GIRLS 2 GO

A guide to drive me crazy

2010-08-31T02:04:00.014-04:00

Hey Guys!

Today I am gonna teach you how to drive me crazy. I will punch you sooner or later so choose wisely how to poke me.

I hate a lot of things, but there are some specific things that drive me insane. Do you know what I mean? Things that you hate so much that makes you feel good about it?!

I hate people that whistle:

Oh man, wanna see me angry? Come whistle next to me. There is this guy at work, just thinking about him makes me turn red. The fucker has the worst timing, not that there is EVER a time to whistle. He waits for me to find something really important to do or something that requires my attention, then he starts whistling. GODDAMMIT!!!! Dude if you are reading this post, I beg you, stop that!

Another thing that drives me crazy is people that hold their forks like this:

I stole this image from this guy, Simon, who says that his wife ”has a rather unusual obsession. For some reason she always notices how people hold their fork, and becomes amusingly irritated when she sees someone doing it “wrong”.

Simon, your wife’s “obsession” is not unusual, it is perfectly normal to expect people to hold their forks the right way. How hard it is to hold it like this?

Seriously, what is wrong with these people, were they raised by gorillas? Is this the first time they see a fork? What about their instincts?

Think about holding the fork the wrong way and analyze how much more energy you spend to deliver food to your mouth. Not to mention you look like an idiot eating like that.

I judge people that hold their forks like a gorilla and categorize them on the lower end of my scale. If you would like to check Simon’s blog, here is the link to it (click it!). He is talking about Japanese stuff on his latest post, so he must be a cool guy (with an even cooler wife who holds her fork properly!)

Moving on with table manners, I hate people who eat with their mouths open, talk or make noises while chewing. They should die! I hope they all do. Of course, if you already hold your fork like an underdeveloped simian I should not expect you to put the correct amount of food into your mouth to avoid having to chew it with your mouth open, or even knowing that there is absolutely no reason to talk with food still inside your mouth. NOW, making noises while chewing, that’s when you risk getting punched (in case you are doing it close me). My blood boils!

Long toenails:

I tried to get a “normal” picture just to prove that this is not as extreme as it sounds. Have you ever seen this? I see this here all the time, toenails that are slightly longer than they should. This is so disgusting, how do they put their shoes on? Those who know me are aware that I hate feet in general, but this is a whole different level.

I am guessing that girls that have long toenails also hate feet and are so disgusted by it that they cannot bring themselves to touch their own feet, not even to cut their toenails (I pay people to do that for me). That is the only answer. The only thing more disgusting than long toenails are those toe rings.

This bitch has both + hairy legs *puke*

Bon Jovi!

I was trying to find something to hate about Bon Jovi to include him on our list, but then I found this guy, Clayton, who hates Bon Jovi. Really, Really hates Bon Jovi and doesn’t know why. He hates Bon Jovi so much that he wrote a post about it and included this masterpiece:

He thinks Bon Jovi’s lyrics are cheesy. If he followed our blog, he would know that Bon Jovi lyrics are hidden confessions from a Psycho Killer. If you want to know how much Clayton hates Bon Jovi go check out his angry Post.

Apples disguised as potatoes:

This is the sneakiest form of cooking. There you are, happy and clueless, eating your potato salad and then: APPLE! Why do they do it? Why put apples in a perfectly fine potato salad.

If you are aware that there are apples, there is very little that can be done. Try to pick them out of your salad, I dare you! They look exactly like the potatoes, but when you put them in your mouth it ruins the whole experience. You are expecting soft yummy potato and all you get is a crunchy bitter apple covered with mayo.

Damn you people. My mom goes a step further; she adds onions, raw onions to potatoes and apples and mayo. She also alternates, so you never know when it is potato or potatoes with apples. Pure evil.

I hate Old school Korn Fans:

Like, really? That’s gotta be a joke. If it is then I love this guy. Sorry about that.

Couples making noises:

I don’t mind the public display of affection at all. I even enjoy it when it is borderline free (live) porn.

But kiss noises, ARRRRGGGGHHHHH. NASTY!

Just as bad as making noises while you chew.

It also bothers me when couples on the car in front of me are kissing. I kiss in the car too but I hate when it’s not me doing it. Every time I see a couple kissing on the car in front of me I hit the car horn. FON! Best thing evah! Try it, I get the funniest reactions. Most of the time they jump and look at the street thinking that the light is green, then they look back and see me laughing, then they get mad and I get happy!

The girl at the Gym:

I hate her. She didn’t do anything to me. She drives me crazy though. If she is at the machine right next to me that’s it! I can’t work out! All I can think is pushing her out of the machine!

I think that it’s because she spends one hour working out with the machine turned off. Don’t get me wrong, I only go to the Gym to clear more space for food, but this girl should be forbidden to use that Gym. Die lazy girl, die!!!!!

There is one thing I love about the Gym. It’s the cleaning thing for the machines. That thing smells like Margaritas. This is the best idea: cleaning products that smell like alcoholic drinks. Best part of the Gym is when I arrive – and intentionally clean the machine before using it – and when I finish, when I have to clean the machine again. Sweet sweet smell of tequila and lime!

Holy shit you guys!

2010-08-24T00:00:00.001-04:00

This was a big break, a non-intentional huge break. Mel and I were kinda busy. You see, keeping this blog is very expensive; we have to take care of our team. They are very needy and they just can't go out partying alone, they need us!

Mel: This time around I say we HIRE a designated driver/walker/dresser. I’m tired of convincing our programmer to keep his clothes on.

Tati: Anyway, because we spent a lot of time with the blog issues, we got fired from our real jobs. So as always we got creative. We had to find things that would give us money to pay for sex, drugs and Rock ‘n’ roll. Just kidding, you know we don’t do drugs.

Mel: Unless you count caramel or caffeine.

Tati: or cocaine…

Before telling you all about our “break”, I would like to say “HI” to the psychotic Spring Break whores that when not too busy showing their tities on TV, like to spend some time reading our blog.

“Fuck you bitch…Maybe your mom is a whore that shagged all that famous people but they didn’t pay for sex (because it was worse than eat your dog’s shit) So you’re getting even or maybe just want to spend your free time…”

“Oh…What’s wrong with you? They’re old and different but they don’t look like old lesbians except for Bret Michaels and his friend…Maybe you’re just a person who has no life and for that reason you’re being a bitch…With hate F*ck you…”

Click the image to see bigger

And the Spanish speaking idiot with the impaired brain, dude:

Пайшоў на хуй / Jebi se / Persse / Sirain mo / Γαμήσου / Bèz ou / भाड़ में जाओ तुम / Baszd meg / Diancuk / באַרען איר / Vai se fuder/ We love you too!

“Seguro eres un aborto de la naturaleza que no tiene vida que se pasa todo el tiempo criticando a personas que hacen la mejor musica
You’re right...
We love you =* =
(ERES UNA P*TA DE M**RDA)”


Click the image to see bigger

Now, back to the subject. Once we got the news about losing our jobs we decided to go out with a bang. We gathered all the money we had left in our bank accounts and flew to Finland, the country of metal and weirdness. I got to tell you guys, Finland beats Japan in any freak competition you can think of.

Mel: That explains quite a few things…about me anyway.

Tati: Oh yeah, Mel is my Finnish Goddess.
Our first job there was as actors! Yes my friends, we have many hidden talents. We found an ad on the newspaper and went for it. Little did we know that the ad was for PORN actors.

Mel: To be fair the ad was rather vague, and in Finnish. Did you know that the word for “actress” in Finnish is Näyttelijä ?

Tati: Now we do!
Well we have nothing to be ashamed of and the amount of Euros offered was just irresistible. Here is the amazing result of our work!

It was a great experience but the hours were killing us.

Mel: Not to mention the fact the director wanted us to wear those suits 24-7 to really “get into character”. I stole the gloves from that gig but I think I lost them somewhere in Amsterdam.

Tati: You didn’t lose them, I mean, not technically. ANYWAY…After that, we decided to take advantage of the metal scene there and got ourselves a gig as roadies for the biggest metal band in Finland:

Mel: I was always slightly surprised by the number of panties I ended up cleaning off the stage after their shows. Surprised and greatly disturbed.

After Tati was caught making out with the drummer, his girlfriend kept trying to kill us. Their agent gave us some cash and begged us to get out of the country. Not to be the reason behind the break up of a band of such epic proportions we headed towards our next destination: Poland.

Why Poland you ask? Good question. We don’t know. I think we were in the train station trying to figure out how to get to Austria or somewhere else and ended up in Poland. We got a job at a traditional Milk Bar but we didn’t last there very long as we thought it was going to be different.

Tati: Was that in Poland? You learn something new everyday...

Mel: Here to illustrate – what we THOUGHT it was going to be like:

And this is what it was ACTUALLY like. Although…looking back on it – maybe they weren’t so different after all.

Tati: I love how nobody noticed that we were peeing on the milk glasses before putting the milk in it! I remember getting 10 bucks from the cook every time people paid without complaining!

Mel: We tried to find other employment after that – the demand for English teachers was high but somehow giving English classes in Auschwitz was depressing. After this general lack of party, we decided to get out of Europe and headed towards Japan.

Tati: Thinking about Japan makes me sad now. You see, we’ve been traveling with our whole crew, we lost our programmer somewhere in Finland, this was the last time we saw him:

And we were super excited about having our half breed Japanese designer with us; I mean she is the only one that can speak Japanese! But we lost her!!!! I have no idea where (or when) that happened. All I remember is that I was trying to get this cute Japanese drummer to go home with me and I turned to ask her how to tell him that and PUFF! Where is Agnes?

Mel: Now we had no job or a Japanese designer to guide us. There is no lack of things to do in Japan, don’t get me wrong. We quickly got hired at a Maid Bar. I love an excuse to dress up in costume – and what better place than this? Unfortunately the fact we didn’t speak Japanese made things difficult at times.

Tati: Yes it did, Mel was all happy because she thought she was going to dress up and check out the costume she got!

Mel: It is also very hard to work in that suit when you are drunk. Tati ordering heavy things from the kitchen didn’t help either!

Tati: C’mon! You made good money there!

Mel: Yeah but we left all our money there too. To pay for everything that you broke!

Tati: So Mel lost that job and we had to find something else. While we were wandering around town, we found Agnes!!!! She got a job working with monkeys! YES MONKEYS!!!! It took us exactly 4 days to steal that monkey from Agnes’ boss and get her in trouble, her boss told us that she is her property now until we pay for the monkey.

Mel: Monkeys are very expensive in Japan, who would have thought…

Tati: Since we had the monkey we thought of making some money with it. A while ago I saw a video on Cracked with Monkey waiters in Japan. Check it out:

Needles to say it didn’t go well and that was the last time we saw the monkey:

One of the customers at the monkey bar stole our monkey and apparently made him his bitch.

Mel: Although in order to leave Japan we had to leave our designer behind. She is currently being held as collateral in Tokyo. We make regular deposits into her paypal account so she can send us cute stuff…I mean help pay off the debt we incurred.

Tati: If you feel like helping to get Agnes Out of there send us an email and we will send you her Paypal account. NOT!

Mel: The ticket from Japan back to Brazil was too expensive – so we stopped in L.A. where we tried to find work. With our newly acquired porn experience on our resumes we applied to work with Cynthia Plaster Caster (You can check out her DVD here). We were trying to understand our rabid groupie haters and decided to work with a recovering one. It didn’t work out so well.

Tati: You think so? First day on the job we broke Gene Simon’s plaster dick!

Mel: So we headed home. Still with no way to support our growing plans for a blog – UNTIL – Elvis saved the day by mentioning how much extra cash we would now have to buy him tuna.

Tati: Yeah Elvis, not really, the truth is: our Programmer is lost in Finland, our designer is being held in Japan 2 is cheaper than 4. So with them not drinking our money, we can use it to drink double!

Mel: NO! We can use it to bring back the blog!

Tati: or that…For those who made it this far, we will keep updating the blog every Tuesdays and Fridays. We leave you a gift for being patient and reading it ‘till the end.

Now you are smarter!

Almost there!

2009-08-19T00:18:00.003-04:00

Hey guys!

It's been a while huh? I know, I know. I am sorry for that. But as always, I have a great excuse!

We are remodeling the house and that made us all busy. Since we only delivery the highest quality posts, we couldn't let our awesome standards get lower right?

So sit back and enjoy your free time because we are almost ready to show you our new home!

We'll be right back

2009-06-04T02:20:00.003-04:00

Guys, the blog will be down for a while. We will be back soon.

Things I was doing instead of updating the blog

2009-05-18T23:39:00.005-04:00

Part two: When it's Mel’s fault

Mel: My turn for the confessional booth – Things I am doing when I am supposed to be updating the Blog. While there are quite a few on Tati’s list that I feel confident in adding to mine. It was declared “no repeats” - which is only fair.

Elvis: all you have to say is that you spend all your free time being my servant…

01 Starting New Hobbies – The internet is full of crafty fun hobbies that just get my fingers itching to get started. This usually results in another constant not to be put on this list – cleaning, organizing & craft supply disasters.

Examples:

Elvis: I love the new shelves, I mean, my new playground. That was a good project you did. Nice hobby: build fun things for me!

02 Finding New Recipes to Try – I lose hours at a time wading through glorious pictures of savory and sweet temptations and wondering about possibilities and wanting to get out a whisk and an apron. Pity I don’t spend more time actually MAKING them. Future temptations to be sampled at a future date for oral satisfaction ratings.

Elvis: OH WOW! I love having a master cook at home. They are so useful!

03 Trying to be more Disciplined – I find when I am being paid to do something I am pretty good about getting it done on time. Or at least within expected deadlines. It is never exactly to my degree of perfectionism but it seems to keep me employed.

However, the minute I walk in the door all the things I need to do at home get stirred into a pot with all the things I’d like to do (see 1 and 2 above) and suddenly I find I am procrastinating and doing nothing. Therefore I decide I need more discipline and seek to find ways to teach myself to be more disciplined. None have worked so far.

04 Reading my Collection of Pop-up Books – I love Pop Up books – especially those by Reinhart & Sabuda - however any that is fun, clever or well done is accepted on my shelves.

Elvis: Oh those damn books… Everytime I go sniff them something pops up and scares the hell out of me! One day I will get my revenge. I will kill THEM ALL!

Mel: I love them because they give you that same sense of kid “awe” and “magic” as blowing bubbles. BTW the one featured in the video below is not in my collection yet. My birthday is next week. Hint. Hint. Hint.

Elvis: I will have my revenge! Hint. Hint. Hint.

05 Resolving fights & winning competitions. In an all male (questionable in Sugar’s case) but me household there are lots of competitions, fights & general uproars to be had. Sometimes of course I’m the one creating them.

But that’s beside the point. Using the computer is a constant battle with Elvis, Sinatra & Sugar. Playing Lumines is a battle with Gabriel & control of the TV. Going to bed is a battle between me and Elvis for the blanket. Eating breakfast is a battle between me and Sinatra for the cereal bowl. Cleaning is a struggle between me and Sugar and the pile of papers/books/whatever.

You get the picture. Life is a Battlefield.

Elvis: It wouldn’t be if you started doing things for me all the time!

Things I was doing instead of updating the blog

2009-05-14T22:56:00.016-04:00

Part one: When it's Tati’s fault

Evlis: humf stupid humans, its always your fault

01 – Thinking about hot men

Tati: Oh Yeah-ha

Elvis: *cough* cough* God – make me hack up a hairball why don’t you

Tati: Note: I only like him as Wolverine

Downey Jr gets better as he ages

I wish I could say the same about Christian Slater. That's why I think about him when he was younger.

Elvis: Nice Tat. Show Love for the Felines. You can have a sardine for that.

Tati: Elvis, that's an ugly ass tattoo. He gets a sardine anyway though.

Always relevant

This picture is to prove that even wearing gay clothes, Mulder will always be HOT!

Elvis: I particularly liked that episode with the cats that were attacking the stupid humans that refused to respect the shaman woman. That’s based on a true story by the way. Except the Shaman woman was a follower of Basement Cat.

Tati: You mean YOU!

He will be forever HOT! FOREVAH!!!!!

02 - Watching whole TV Show's seasons at once

The only two TV Shows I was not late, was Lost and Fringe. I managed to watch 5 seasons of House in 3 weeks. That's because I was simultaneously watching Death Note, I am sure it would have taken me less to watch just 5 Seasons (considering I skipped the whole 4th Season that House was choosing his new team, boy that sucked!)

A While ago I bought the X-Files awesome box. Took me 3 months to watch all the episodes (I was working full time at the time) Every night, for 3 months I had awesome dreams about Mulder! Mmmmm Mulder *drool*

Elvis: Mel & Gabe are watching X-files. It’s great to stick my claws in Mel’s thigh right at the scary moments.

Tati: I did the same with the Family Guy Box. I watched everything at once. I don't really remember how long it took me, but it was a lot less than the X-files.

I need more Fringe!

03 - Doing absolutely nothing

Elvis: this I can Support.

Tati: Sometimes I spend the whole day looking at the ceiling. It's awesome. I get up only to go pee. Not even to eat, eating will produce more pee eventually so I don't taunt my body.

I found this:

"It’s overrated. After you’ve spent a day doing nothing useful and consider your life afterwards, it’s somewhat depressing. A day is 24 hours.. that’s 1440 minutes.. that’s 86400 seconds. I can tell you, I’ve wasted a whole day… it was really miserable when I went to sleep that night."

I'll tell you this: It's not overrated! It's awesome! Feels great! Feels even better when you feel it's time to go to sleep and you realize you just need to hold your pillow and you are ready! I proudly spent a lot more than 86400 seconds doing absolutely nothing!

Elvis: I find that sleep is a vital part of survival. For once you show some intelligence.

Tati: Agreed, and I am a kitchen!

04 - Getting drunk

Well that's pretty much it. I go out, come back drunk, can't type (aka think). I go watch Sponge Bob.

05 - Not going to the gym

You see, it works like this. I have OCD, so I have to finish what I start, sometimes on a specific order. So I tell myself: I will have dinner, then later go to the gym, come back, take a shower and write the post.

Guess what happens?

I have dinner and faint!

Elvis: It appears Tati is starting to respond to my superior training ability.

We are procrastinating

2009-05-11T23:37:00.009-04:00

Tati: Well when it's not my fault, it's Mel's fault and when it's not Mel's fault is my fault...

You know when you skip one day of GYM and then you skip the whole week? That's what's happening to us now. We have it in our hearts that we will produce something useful for Friday though.

Mel: are you sure we should get their hopes up with the promise of "Something useful" do we ever do anything useful?

Tati: we are always useful. Without us, people would be working

Mel: Only too true.

We will leave you with some nice images

Truly Outrageous week!

2009-05-01T04:53:00.015-04:00

OH MAN!

Tati: What a crazy week we had. Testing all this toys was hard work. Not to mention expensive. But we finally reached a verdict. Guess who had more fun in the end? What? No silly, just keep reading...

Mel: So after a week of tests – some with outside assistance for proper testing, pictures, videos and more. Here are the official results to support whether Blondes or Brunettes really have more fun.

The Pleasure Periscope

Tati: This one is better than a regular mixer. It’s a keeper!

This truly brings pleasure to your daily cooking. You can mix stuff AND look inside the mix at the same time...I almost turned my cookie dough ice cream into water because I got too distracted looking inside of it.

But I didn’t stop there.

I also made awesome pasta sauce and then some whipped cream that I later used on my boyfriend.

OK, he is not my boyfriend, but I used it on him anyway.

Tati level of fun: 3 ½
Fake boyfriend level of fun: All the way baby

Mel: Instructions indicate use for personal health and safety. I now carry it in my purse and have my own personal ray gun!

I love it! So far I’ve gotten free gas & spare change from the register, a new necklace & a wallet just for showing people how fantastic this little number is.

if you click on the image it will go HUGE

Similar models have already been proven just as effective.

Mel level of Fun: 5
Mel level of Coolness: Too hot to Handle

Carrot Sleeve

Mel: This does not protect against carrot odor as promised. I still had bunnies following me home from the park.

Rabid Rabbits still detected the carrot in my purse and I had to throw it far into the playground to keep them from attacking me – I’ll stick to Ziploc & Cucumbers.

Mel level of Fun: 3 (they were CUTE rabid rabbits)
Mel level of Damage: Moderate - Twisted ankle, Grass Stains, bites & scratches, rabies shot & empty stomach.

Creepy Dildos

Mel: This nativity set requires is not as colorful as other sets but it is waterproof - a big plus for outdoor displays.

Mel level of Fun: 4
Speed with which I am going to hell: Warp 7

Tati: I know I am not supposed to interrupt but, this IS kinda colourful...

Strawberry Ass

Tati: This one was really good for strawberry scented tequila shots, but not as good as coin holders. It kept closing and opening, so my coins would jump out, making a simple walk through the park REALLY annoying. I had the hardest time getting my coins back from the squirrels.

Tati level of fun: 5 for the tequila party
3 for chasing squirrels to get my coins back

Mr. Jack with Mustache

Mel: This made an excellent pot handle holder for my inox pans- kept my fingers safe from singes while I made fried donuts. Every household should have a few!

Mel level of fun: 3
Level of Burn Protection: Survived the burning towel (only melted off the stache.)

Tati: I am now a proud owner of a gay Mexican key holder!

Tati level of fun: 2 for making it
5 for looking at it with my keys on his mouth every morning.

The Cone

Tati: Awesome cat-owner fun!

Turn your cone upside down, set it to spin and sit Elvis on top of it, then watch! You may like to wear gloves next time you try to play with your cat, but it’s totally worth it!

Tati level of fun: 5
Elvis level of fun: - (minus) 1 billion

Accommodator

Mel: So Elvis’s punching bag will only arrive in a few weeks & like all things in advertising the picture is not to scale. The accommodator was of average size so I let him try this out instead.

Supposed to provide nirvana like enlightenment through meditation & stimulation of the 3rd Eye - this stayed on his head an average of 0.5 seconds.

Mel level of fun: 5
Elvis level of fun: Someone is dying in their sleep tonight

Tuyo

Tati: This thing is DA BOMB! We first tried this out at the Strawberry Tequila Party. I ordered two: the black and blacker and the white and pink.

That made possible for us to divide in two teams: boys and girls. We turned them on and let them loose around the house. First one to knock somebody down scores!

When you are high on strawberry tequila, it doesn’t take much. I can’t tell you who won, I saw a lot of people going down (I also saw a lot of people from the floor level)

Tati level of fun: 5
Tati level of bruises: over 9000

Tongue Vibe

Tati: This is another great item for parties. I got a bunch of them. Why? Check this out:

-They glow in the dark
-They shake shake shake
-They are water proof

MARTINI SHAKERS!

Tati level of fun: 5
Tati level of alcohol in blood stream: 96%

Mel: Application to the end of a standard toothbrush increases brushing power. 4 out of 5 dentists recommend it. Application to the end of whisk increases in beating power. 4 out of 5 cooks recommend it.

Application to Elvis’s tail increases freak out power. 4 out of 5 cats do NOT recommend it.

Mel level of Fun: 4
Tongue Vibe level of Usability: 5

Paul and Paulina

Tati: Ok, there is only one thing to do with Paul and Paulina:

Now they can grow bigger and stronger and ZAZ!

Tati level of fun: 4
Tati’s place level of cuteness: 1 trillion!

Willie Wrapper

Mel: Instalment required only a standard suction cup and some ribbon. It works well in the kitchen for dishtowels but wet hand towels, are too heavy for the vibrate function to properly move around enough to speed up drying.

Please remember to keep both mesmerized cats and moving towels away from open flames – real firemen wear more clothes than the ones in the calendars.

Mel level of Fun: 5 (they were still sexy)
Number of Firemen in Mel’s Kitchen: 7 (they stayed for Brownies)

Head Candy

Mel: These make excellent alternatives to salt rimmed cocktail glasses & add a new dimension to mixed drinks – similar to using a lollipop instead of an olive in your martini.

I tried them with Frozen Margaritas, Manhattans & Champagne Cocktails – by the end of the night Head Candy rimmed glasses filled with Sake were the best.

Mel level of fun: 5 (What I remember anyway)

Who won? Who cares? We had a blast! (And so did our little feline friends)

Do blondes really have more fun?

2009-04-28T01:17:00.010-04:00

This week Mel and I got into this HUGE fight because she insisted that blondes have more fun. We spent a long time arguing, until we decided to do science and prove once and for all who has more fun!

So we did what any friend in distress would do. We went shopping! We spent the whole day online buying goodies from local stores. The test results will be posted on Friday.

Mel: The Statistical Chart has already been created and data will be collected during the week in order to statistically analyze to learn the true results.

Tati: Today we will leave you with the results of our shopping spree (you will have to come back on Friday to see what we actually bought)

WARNING: Some pictures are not safe for work, but they are not that heavy either, I’d go for it. I’d even show them to my boss. I’d even invite my boss’ wife to see them, I’d even invite my boss’ wife’s mom to see them!

Mel: Of course Tati is currently working freelance so just because she would do it doesn’t mean you should.

Tati: Or does it?

Pleasure Periscope

“A "vibrating 4-inch probe with built-in periscope light and viewing window"

Tati: this is technology at its best! Not only you can pleasure yourself, but you can perform a full gynecological exam or if you are feeling naughty enough (or brave), you can give your boyfriend a Colonoscopy. I am pretty sure he will love it!

Mel: This is clearly something imagined by a guy and designed by one as it looks like something from Star Trek - To boldly go where no Trekkie has gone before.

Tati: one more reason to give him a colonoscopy

NOT

Strawberry Ass

"freshly scented strawberry jelly anus with tight noduled sleeve."

Tati: Oh man, a strawberry jelly anus? That must smell so bad, but surely smells better than any regular scented anus.

Mel: This makes me think of Donuts. Like this was supposed to have been a “Freshly scented strawberry jelly donut anus”

Pretty much, yeah...

Mr. Jack with Mustache

“A rubber jack-off sleeve for men, shaped like a male mouth and chin”

Mel: This is just wrong. However it will be a true test of which has more fun - count how many men you turn on by holding one of those and winking suggestively.

Tati: this must feel like getting a blow job from a deformed Mexican. This looks so creepy like the baby alien that comes from inside the Alien’s mouth on the Alien’s movie. Or a gay Muppet.

The Cone

Tati: Well, it’s pink, looks like a party hat and vibrates. I’d sit on it! Last party hat I sat on didn’t even bother to vibrate. I’m not complaining, but I think it would be nice if it had vibrated. You can also lay on it or sit against gravity on it too.

What are they reading?

Mel: They are probably reading the instruction manual.

Tati: looks easy from my point of view...

Tuyo

Tati: this is a crazy vibrating ball, super GLAM, comes in black and blacker, and also in white and pink. You can roll it all over you, your boyfriend, your neighbours, friends, networking is very important these days with the recession. I think this ball might be a great ice breaker.

Mel: But the true test is whether I can convince the Prince of the Universe to trade me one of these for his Katamari.

Tati: Oh!

Delight

Tati: Don’t worry, I am tilting my head too. This is like an Escher vibrator. Comes in 3 cool colors, I like this one cause it’s the same color as my tooth brush.

Mel: It comes in a nice case too. And if you leave it lying around no one would ever guess especially if you put a cute face sticker over the on off switch. In fact it should.

Does this one come with an instruction manual? Because I’m not sure I have the proper alien anatomy for this one.

Tati: Maybe THAT's the instructions that the Cone girls were reading!

The skateboard

Tati: Well this one had a horrible scary name and I renamed it to Skateboard, because it looks like one.

You basically put your beef thermometer inside that hole then go stick it in someone, make those bullets vibrate and see what happens. According to the description, the curvy things are dolphin’s tails.

Mel: of COURSE it's Dolphin related. Only the “best” things are after all. I agree The skateboard is a much better name. This one looks like it’s going to hurt for the wrong reasons.

The Clit Bumper

Tati: This one is easy! You put your Dilly-ho-ho in the hole (just like the skateboard), then turn your clit bumper on, then go bump some clits.

You can also put it on your bike’s handlebar, looks totally appropriate for that.

The Willie Wrapper

This is the same as the Clit Bumper, but you can put your fun gun in the hole and your ping pongs in the other hole and go bump some clits.

Mel: This is getting too complicated. And if the guy is the one supposed to be taking the initiative and gearing up like Batman then why are they all pink?

Tati: Because it has to look pretty! Pretty in Pink HA!

The Accommodator

Tati: o.0

Mel: O.o

Tati: O.O

I am trying not to judge here, but, but.... Yes I’m tilting my head!

Mel: I'm left nearly speechless...and not in a good way. However, it’s a good thing it comes with a picture, I would have assumed it was supposed to go on my head and that was a chin strap, not the other way around.

Tati: I truly don't know what would be worse.

Club vibe

Tati: Mmmm the OhMiBod guys are our best friends! We already reviewed their “NaughtiBod” and the “Gspot.” on previous posts.

What you do is: you plug your awesome OhMiBod into your ipod/whateverpod you have and you vibrate with the music. But this one, this one is dangerous.

This one you put it inside your panties turn it on and go out. Then it picks up the sounds around you and you are fucked! Literally, by anything that emits a sound. On the website their suggestion is for you to go to a Club. Got it? Club – Vibe?

Mel: ... Does this mean this only works if the sounds are eardrum splitting? Only picks up bass? This just sounds like someone didn't think this through all the way. This does however explain that one woman on the metro the other day though.

IBuzz

This is the same as the OhMiBod, but without the GLAM. This is ugly and well it’s REALLY ugly.

Mel: Not only that but is this for two people? 1 person? Why all the cords (I hate cords) and weird attachments and what is up with the alien rabbit? And let’s be honest at this point you should just go Glam – because this does not look user friendly.

Tati: This one looks like the Chinese version of the IBuzz, maybe it’s to use with the whateverpods? I don’t care, it’s ugly!

Head Candy

Tati: This is hilarious. For those who never gave or received a blowjob (so they don’t know that teeth are not welcome), you have this thing that you bite then go give some unlucky guy/girl a blowjob. It tastes like candy, so here is how I think it will go:

You put this in your mouth and unless you are Steven Tyler or his daughter, this will limit considerably the useable size of your mouth. Then you will start drooling, because it tastes like candy. Add that to a guy/girl who thinks blowjobs with teeth are fun and yes my darling, GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that!

Write us telling how did it go for you: skuties@gmail.com

Mel: Do these dissolve like candy? Like are these mouth guard lollipops? Or just flavored plastic? Either way, this can NOT be a top seller. Must be a gag gift right?

Tati: Nope, DEAD SERIOUS!

Tongue Vibe

Tati: this one looks like you need to have total control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings. Otherwise I predict teeth marks and tragic choking followed by a bloody taco warmer and probably death.

Mel: And with a giant vibrating plastic thing in your mouth you KNOW that you will have perfect control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings for as long as you wear the thing. In fact the longer you use it the better, and that thing that holds it on? You don't even notice it’s there.

Tati: right?

Creepy dildos

The diving Nun

The bone dead

And of course the baby Jesus anal plug

Tati: These, of course, are only for normal people.

Mel: The fact these even exist...let alone someone is selling them and people are potentially using them. I mean sure Death you can see the symbolism and all there but the Baby Jesus? Really? I mean I want to see the demographics for who buys and uses this thing. No wait. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about ANYONE who uses any baby like that.

Improv dildos
(I love this world, dildo!)

Mel: It always makes me think of Bilbo Baggins -_-

Tati: haha Bilbo dildo!

Tati: Errrrr.....Well it’s better than sticking baby Jesus up your ass.

Mel: yeah suddenly after baby Jesus everything is PERFECTLY NORMAL.

And of course, the best, cutest and GLAM-EST of all:

Paul and Paulina!

Tati: HAHAHA how fucking cute is that? It would only be better if it made funny noises, like cute ones...Oh man!

Mel: Of course at that point you would be testing whether it is possible to orgasm while laughing. Do inch worms make noises?

Tati: hope so!

Mel: We couldn't leave Elvis out of the fun completely however, the closest thing we could find was this little number. Which is disturbing for a whole new set of reasons – at least it keeps them off your leg.

Japanese Game shows!

2009-04-24T03:10:00.007-04:00

Tati: Before we start, I would like to dedicate this post to my cousin, who LOVES when we post only videos. That’s because he can’t control his Linux crap and flash stuff makes his life harder. Yeah I love you too cousin! (I also know he will pretend he didn’t read this post)

Mel: Ok so I needed a laugh, not because it was a particularly bad day or anything, but simply because who doesn't need a laugh?

So it doesn’t take much to figure out a good laugh, but I remembered Tati’s love of Japan and decided to look up some Japanese Game Shows. Who can resist the absolute nonsense filled with sex, pain & humiliation all for our viewing pleasure?

Tati: Oh my sweet Mel! Always knows when to fix things, even if you have no idea of what you are fixing. Today I had to take a tetanus shot, since it is now required to be able to travel to Pluto, and I will spend my weekend there.

I hate HATE, did I mention that I HATE needles? Well in me anyway. So I fainted about 10pm and am now respawning at 2am officially fucking all my sleep schedule, the one I had just fixed by waking up at 7am, just today.

So fuck yeah gimme some nonsense!

Mel:
Tati: Thanks.

Mel: There is so much to scratch your head over from the costumes & announcers to the themes & situations. One of the best takes on this was the “fake” British Japanese game show intended as a bar game. However, someone at ABC had the even more brilliant idea to make a reality show about surviving Japanese game shows.

I haven’t watched it yet, but supposedly its starting its second season, and I for one plan to find a way to watch it. In the meantime, I decided to see what a quick look at Game Shows from Japan could teach me. Here are 10 things I learned.

The world cup would be a lot more entertaining if the Japanese decided on the rules. However, it is best to not allow Waldo (Wally for you Brazilians) to decide on the uniforms.

Tati: Are they yelling Gojira Gojira Gojira? This is the best Idea in the world! I shall put up a Soccer-with-binocular team!

Mel: My job would be more entertaining if everyone had to wear bug costumes while completing seemingly mundane tasking while being threatened by a scary purple spider lady with bad breath.

Tati: Oh my, there is a whole series of the bug show!

Mel: If you want to lose weight combine eating and exercise for maximum results.

Tati: Question: Are they eating lego heads? Another thing, that black guy, I think he is a professional Japanese Game Show goer. I’ve seen him in like over 9000 of them.

Mel: The goals which seem the closest in life are sometimes hampered by the smallest of things. Perseverance will result in sweet results and bruised nostrils.

Tati: this one is BY FAR one of my favorites!

Mel: Never volunteer to stick your hands in a box. Never volunteer to stick your head in a box. Boys with strange hair are just as afraid of escaped lizards as Japanese schoolgirls.

Tati: OH! Hahahaha I love how that first girl cut her bangs just around her left eye. I love this one. These girls are so cute, I also have no idea what they are touching. Aside from the bald guy, that one is easy.

Mel: Pantyhose are not just for bank robbers and formal dinners.

Tati:

It means fuck

Mel: Humans do a better job than lobsters when attempting to stay out of hot water, even if there is a reward for going in it. Also – Japan is importing its bikinis from Brazil.

Tati: Before even watching it I can assure you that everyone should import bikinis from Brazil ‘cause these fucking things they have here looks like my grandma panties. Thank God I brought mine!

Tati: Ok, let me get this straight. He must stay in the hot water long enough to that thing that the girl is sitting shake off her top?

Mel: Yep!

Tati: … … … … I just peed myself…carry on.

Mel: Always wear underwear.

Tati: I’m speechless, my brain was just raped. I am also blind…

Mel: Libraries are not quiet places in Japan.

Tati: See! That black dude again!

Mel: Game shows are intended for men. Although I’m all for a pie fight.

Tati: What the hell is this thing for?

So our list couldn’t be complete without this one!

THE BEST JERRY, THE BEST!

Clone Wars

2009-04-20T19:39:00.027-04:00

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Tati: I am always impressed how fast people are when they are cloning stuff. In music for example, everybody is doing one style of music, all there, minding their own business, the same apathy and boredom, all good. Then one day, some shitty band hits the radio and BAM we are all fucked, all you can hear is thousands of bands doing the same shitty music.

Like, where are they coming from? And how do they put up an album so fast? You know what I mean? I doubt they were all ready to pop just waiting for the first one to do it. As if they were ashamed of it and waiting for the first martyr or something.

Mel: For shame Tati, do you not know of the conspiracy of music?

Tati: I don’t care really, but this bugs me since I was a kid. I never stopped thinking about it. It happens everywhere. One company releases a product and suddenly all companies are releasing the same product in funny variations. HOW? Really, doesn’t it take time to develop a product? It’s crazy!

Mel: Okay, but yeah this topic is not about the music industry conspiracy and how it is all the master plan. This is about making money, the Producers way.

Tati: This also happens in the movie industry, A LOT. But some are smarter than others. Some just make the cover looks like a successful movie, or just the title, but still funny to me. Let’s see some Movie “geniuses”.

Legally Blondes:

Mel: This really is a movie. I kept staring at the image waiting for the photoshopped joke to hit me, and figured I was too far out of the loop and then thought Tati was playing with my mind, so I goggled it and cried.

Tati: Oh boy! This movie is about Elle Wood’s twin cousins coming from London to some fancy school in California. I could stop right here and it would be a disaster already, but of course I won’t. These two girls come directly from Disney Channel’s “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody”.

Note that I am not linking it to anything, it is because this is crappier than I can stand – and you know I can take a whole lot of crap – and I don’t even want to look for a website with this. I’ve already went too deep. But here is the best part.

Mel: I think this is a case of not letting a popular franchise die. Did Michael Eisner consult on this one? Oh he of Disney direct to video sequel fame? Also...did you know that Legally Blonde was made into a Broadway musical?

Tati: Jesus, NO!

When you see something like that, if you are a regular human being, you instantly block yourself from touching it. But then you see on the cover “Presented by Reese Withaspoon” and you think: Well she put her name on it, then it shouldn’t be so bad right? WRONG! I had no idea what “presented by” meant so I went out to educate myself.

Mel: I too had to check it out because I had a hard time finding her name on the credits – it’s in the "Seamore" section, I thought maybe “presented by” meant she invested money in it somewhere. Good thing she was too smart.

Tati: Check this out:

Presenter
AKA: Presents

A presenter is person (often famous or well respected) who introduces a movie or show on screen or via voice-over. Some films include a credit "Presented by", or "presents", which indicates the person is an executive producer as opposed to someone who appears in the film.

Translating: They gave her money and she recorded something like “And now, Legally Blondes! Enjoy." because I seriously doubt that she went to the screening.

Mel: I don’t know I’d go to the opening maybe – free food & free press. Although by the time I was as rich as Reese Witherspoon I would probably be happy to stay home in my jammies and wait for my free copy to arrive in the mail.

Teen Boxer:

This one is tricky. When you see the cover you think Karate Kid 4 (because it’s a girl and all), then you see the title: Teen Boxer and you think “Million Dollar Baby”, then you see “The shocking movie everyone is talking about” and you feel like an idiot, because you never heard anything about it. But everyone else did. So you better run to your favorite movie rental place (aka the internet) and “rent” it.

Mel: Although...did you see the “Next karate Kid” I don’t think I’d want to see another movie in that line. I prefer the originals.

Tati: I know there will be a remake, but I’m fine without it.

If you decide to go deeper into the details, you will see that a girl from Grey’s Anatomy is in the movie, so it REALLY must be good. And if you go to check the plot of the movie you will learn that her “real life brother” is in it too. Which explain why she has no boobs on the cover when she is karate-flying on the background.

Mel: Did you not notice her butt on the cover in WHITE? Clearly the guy was more of a butt man.

Tati: it’s her shorts, blind Mel!

See how they fuck you up? That’s good marketing! The movie is a piece of crap, but there is only so much marketing can do for you.

Mel: I’m taking notes!

Transmorphers:

Mel: Don’t you mean Transformers? Oh wait. No you don’t.

Tati: Well, with a title like that you don’t need to highlight anything else on your cover. You might even get some distracted minds “buying” it thinking it’s the Transformers movie.

If you ask me, I didn’t last 10 minutes on Transformers, that boy is dead ugly, I think that girls is kinda nasty and too skinny and the robots look awesome, but when I saw the ghetto robot I gave up on the movie.

Mel: I didn’t even go see it when it was FREE.

Tati: OH GOOOOOOOOD, FOR YOU!

Mel: No, NO FUCK NO!

Tati: This one is about alien robots invading Earth, but they are evil and forced everybody to live underground (like the Matrix).

According to the summary, "a small group of humans develop a plan to defeat the mechanical invaders in the ultimate battle between man and machine."

Mel: Sounds like it might be better than I, Robot.

Tati: If you look at the cover, you can see that their plan is to shoot at the robots’ dick. Might work, who knows?

Against the Dark:

Yo, Steven, Blade already DID IT!

He had a sword too, and he fought vampires and he knew martial arts, he had black leather pants too, but he was Wesley Snipes. You are NOT. Not to mention that his sword looks like a crowbar-sword.

Plus this cover reminds me of “A Scanner Darkly”

Mel: A Scanner Darkly is awesome but can only be understood if you read the book first, and I have a feeling to really get it you have to be on some heavy drugs, but just seeing the effects of drugs on Philip K. Dick`s brain is enough for me.

Elvis has 1st hand experience, and agrees.

The Day the Earth Stopped:

“Hundreds of massive intergalactic robots appear in all of the world’s major capitals with an ultimatum: Prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

This one could be a prequel of the “Transmorphers” or the prequel for “The day the Earth stood still”. First it stopped, then it stood still, then the transfomorphers made everybody go underground then they put everybody inside the Matrix! Dude, why am I not rich yet?

Mel: I’m not sure Tati. I ask myself that every day.

Tati: *sigh*

NYC: Tornado Terror:

"A meteorologist and her husband must prevent devastating tornadoes from destroying New York."

Inspired by true events, mmmm. I don’t watch the news, but I am sure somebody would have commented around me if NY had been through a tornado terror.

Maybe he thought “Cloverfield” was real? Like he thought tornados did it? I love how the top of all buildings are burning. One would have thought that the wind on the terror tornado would suck off the fire. And it’s super clever of them to send helicopters to fight the tornados!

Two thumbs up to whoever made this movie.

Mel: I was too distracted by the water flooding and the statue of liberty losing her arms. Based on true events “The day a meteorologist and her husband had to tell everyone on TV & the radio (which was their job) that tornados MIGHT be coming towards New York”. By the way, how do 2 people destroy tornados? And if the cover is any hint they didn’t do a good job now did they?

Tati: Nope, not them or the director.

Vipers:

Mark my words: I will watch this movie! Even if you ignore that this is a better version of “Anaconda”, because vipers are cooler and Tara is hotter than J-Lo, there is also this amazing plot:

“Set of vipers has been taken by the scientists, and they’ve mutated them to make a cure for cancer, Then their experiment goes awry, and all these vipers escape into the woods, and they’re not only biting people, they’re actually killing people, in a little town”

Mel: The people also drive Viper cars. You know, SUV Vipers.

Tati: That would be a kick ass movie: SUV Vipers curing cancer!

How do you mutate a snake to cure cancer? Do you teach it how to cure cancer? Another observation, last time I checked all snakes bite to eat, so they all kill their preys. Maybe Vipers only bite people...I need more knowledge in my life.

Mel: I find internet forums to be highly educational full of opinions and you know how since it’s on the internet its 100% true always.

Jack Says:

Oh God... Not happy with “Spirit”, they had to do “Jack Says”. But fear not, this one is so low budget that the groundbreaking black & white with color effects don’t go past the cover. I was curious to see how they would do it with no money, so I watched 3 minutes of it. It’s just black & white then it turns into color.

I have no idea what this movie is about, but I’ll bet a lot of people watched it thinking it was Spirit 2.

Mel: ...

Universal Remote:

Ok, this one got me confused. I found two VERY different covers pointing to what could be two different movies. I could only find info on the CHARLY Murphy version (note the ginormous boobs behind him).

See, good marketing got even me, the queen of marketing. I went to IMDB searching for Eddy Murphy, then I looked closer at the cover and saw it was CHARLY Murphy. Not that it would have shock me if he was in this movie, the last good movie he did was “Coming to America”.

The other one I don’t know what to say. It looks like Christian Bale swallowing a remote control. I didn’t check, feel free to do it. I’m satisfied with Bale eating a golden remote control

Mel: Wasn’t there the one like Click, and like...this one just confuses me although Christian Bale swallowing a remote control might be funny. I checked to try to understand all this, but I still don't get it.

Death Racers:

GUYS!!!!! Somebody put Insane Clown Posse in a movie. And look in what movie! HAHAHAHA oh Lord, I’m going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee. I can’t breathe Mel, HELP!

Mel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – well it’s appropriate that you die with this one as it IS DEATH RACE. Although, nothing will ever be as good as Death Race 2000. Ever. Not even the Insane Clown Posse will be able to top it, but they can try.

Tati: No they can't.They can't try anything ever, if it's in public.

For the ones who happily, didn’t know what the heck is Insane Clown Posse, I’ll ruin your life for you: They are two fat white guys, dressed as clowns and they rap. Yep, fat-white-clown rappers!

In a movie!

Look:

Mel: Oh why just LOOK when you can truly SEE?

Tati: HAHAHAHAHA holy shit guys! I was going to get all nerdy about “Death Race 2000” and compare them to the “Death Race 3000” and tell you that this one actually has the same plot as the original, but then I saw “Insane Clown Posse” on the cover and HAHAHAHAHA HOLY FUCKING SHIT! (I hate you for this video Mel)

Ok, next...

I’ll end this post with some other movie clones that won’t really need explanation so enjoy!

Son of RamboW:

Awww they even put a little Col. Trautman and its British!

The Net 2.0:

Remember The Net?

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls:

Errrrrr....LOL?

Plan Bee:

The sting is in the tale!

Os Carrinhos:

Mel: I would like to take this moment to share with you all the YOUTUBE channel of this delightful company and their wonderful movies. Robozinhos is a version of Robots + Wall e.The English versions are a treat let me tell you.

Tati: Are there English versions of this?

Ratatoing:

Mel: Don't forget to visit their official website!

Pierrot Le Poisson Clown:

Shark Bait:

The Little Panda fighter:

Ok, ok, I’ll stop!

By the way, did you see how I made you read our post by calling to your Star Wars genes? See? That’s what you get for being a Star Wars fan. Serves you right!

Mel: oooooohhhhhh Tati good one. Wait, seriously, why aren’t you rich yet?

Tati: meh, go figure...

We will be with you shortly...

2009-04-17T03:54:00.006-04:00

Hi guys!

I had a love overdose this week, so I'm in no conditions to post anything. I'm still high on all the massive amount of love that was thrown at me so... * droll *

* droll *

Easter results

2009-04-13T23:28:00.007-04:00

We are all still too drunk and too fat to think. So here you go:

Easter Results:

Elvis, Sinatra and Sugar showing the Peep how they roll...

Cool hand made eggs

Lime pie with peeps

Egg dye

Zombie eggs

Those were Mel's good intentions. And that's how it turned out:

Easter bunny getting drunk on crappy beer

This pissed off bunny doll

Mrs. Jones our neighbor

My nasty Easter poodle pie

Oh, and Jesus showed up too, but he was kinda bored

After all the Easter festivities I still had some space for more beer and some far away friends to greet. Here's what happened when I got home to more beer and online friends...

My Dogs have had an Easter party while I was away and they were naked and drunk when I got home

I drank all my stars

Invited my friend from upstairs

And we partied all night long with Rosana like a Goddess....

END!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-11T23:01:00.021-04:00

Tati: Mel wrote this post for Friday, but my lazy ass is posting and commenting only tonight. You can approach this in two ways:

#1 thinking I’m lazy.
#2 pretending Mel is posting from the past and I am commenting from the future.

Another note. You will notice our Easter banner looks A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! That is because Agnes was busy with her work and I had to do the banner this time. Don’t tell her I’m better though, we don’t want her feelings hurt!

Mel: Well today is Good Friday which in and of itself is weird but the bizarre etymology of that is not what I wish to look at today – rather the events to take place on Sunday. Yes folks, Sunday is Easter and no matter which way you look at it, there is something to celebrate and a way to celebrate it.

Tati: I like to celebrate it by painting bunnies instead of eggs.

Mel: The holiday of Easter, like that of Christmas and other major Christian holidays, comes from a repurposing of Pagan holidays and celebrations. Easter most likely comes from Eastre a Saxon goddess of the dawn that symbolized Spring and Fertility. Her specific symbol was the rabbit and in many accounts the egg. Her celebration took place in April around the Spring Equinox. Questions as to where Eastre herself originated and what she symbolizes fall under debate however she is generally grouped with Ishtar and other goddess of sex and fertility. Festivals in Eastre’s honor were often at dawn and the Christian tradition of the Sunlight Service may have origins in these roots. Interestingly a lot of the “messages” of Easter – rebirth, life, light, etc coincide with those of Spring celebrations themselves and particularly Eastre’s.

Tati: AHHHHH! Tha's why bunnies lay eggs during Easter then!

Mel: YEP! So for you – 12 Easter/Eastre traditions, symbols & celebrations:

Rabbits –connected with Eastre as a symbol of Fertility because if there is one thing that bunnies do it’s procreate. Which when the only thing lower on the food chain than you is grass, it makes total sense. I whole heartedly support Bunnies and their fuzzy little tails and wiggly little noses.

Tati: You know Mel, you shouldn't underestimate rabbits. I mean I once thought turtles were cute and harmless, until I saw a turtle eating a pigeon in one fucking bite! Here, if you wanna see it too.

What about this bunny? It looks like a bunnification of a mad man ready to kill you!

Donnie Darko anyone?

Mel: Well, Should you decide to ignore Tati's delusions and so choose, you can do Bunny related activities in celebration such as: The Bunny hop and other Rabbity, Twitchy Dances.

Tati: Bella looks highly disturbed, disturbING!

Mel: You can spend your Easter eating carrots and saying “What’s Up Doc?” , Put Objects on a Bunny, Build a Giant Bunny, Watch some Happy bunny, Wear Bunny Ears, poke a bunny...

Wear some Bunny Shoes, Make Bunny Crafts, Do some bunny bumming, visit the Bunny Ranch or invent your own Rabbit Game:

Tati: Since we are on bunny mode, you can watch your favorite movies re-enacted by bunnies right here.

Mel: Eggs – symbols of life and spring and Eastre it is traditional in many parts of the world to color & decorate eggs. Afterwards people hide them, find them, roll them, break them, give them, save them, and eat them.

Tati: I love how you put the egg spring roll on the montage, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with Easter eggs…Or has it? Care to explain?

Mel: Nope!

The Sun – because of the proximity to the Spring Equinox – the symbol of the end of winter and the shortening of the night, originally celebrated as the true “New Year”, Dawn celebrations continue in the form of sunrise services, however should you not be attending church in your jammies this year there is nothing stopping you from greeting the dawn in your own private way.

Tati: The Sun : )

Mel: New Clothes – I always wondered as a kid but never complained, about wearing a pretty new dress for Easter. However much like Brazilian new year and new underwear, apparently its good luck to shed the old, and celebrate the changes of the new.

Tati: That's kinda freaky (the babies I mean...)

Mel: Bonfires – Held from Good Friday till Easter Sunday apparently it’s the time when witches are at their worst and witches are scared of fires. Although if historically burned on them, I think I too would avoid them.

Tati: I believe not only witches, but every living creature should stay away from bonfires.

Don't worry, your sight should come back in a few minutes

Mel: Witches

In Finland little girls (and sometimes boys) dress up as witches and go door to door reciting good luck poems in exchange for money and candy. I sense the work of Elvis in this – who is eating my EASTER LIME PIE STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Fat Elvis looks full of Mel's lime pie

Mel: Water

Used in just about every religion somewhere as blessing, purity and the like (baptism anyone?). Apparently people in Africa and Europe really get in to it, with guys throwing buckets of cold water at the girls. It starts by breaking into your neighbor’s home and pouring buckets of cold water over the sleeping women folk and continues from there into an all day water fight. An elaborate mating ritual that gets everyone completely soaked in possibly freezing temperatures, who could say no? Have a water fight in celebration!

Tati: I would probably eat off the head of the motherfucker who woke me up with a bucket of water (you've been warned).

Mel: Spanking

Okay, apparently popular in Eastern Europe in addition to or instead of water – spanking someone with twigs is supposed to be a blessing?

Men make homemade switches (whips) by tying together willow & birch branches and decorating them with ribbons – they then go around hitting women so they stay healthy and beautiful. The woman then gives him a colored egg or money in order for him to stop and as “thanks”.

I suggest if this is how you wish to celebrate Easter you do it with consenting parties in order to avoid prison.

Tati: Leave it to Europe to make fucked up stuff looks normal...

Mel: Chocolate

Chocolate rabbits come from Germany and came to the US by way of the Pennsylvania Dutch (aka Amish) and in many parts of the world that have European influence Easter is marked by Chocolate Eggs & Chocolate Rabbits. In Brazil the eggs are commercialized chocolate eggs – like a Snickers or Crunch Egg, or with themes like Spiderman, Wall-E & Hannah Montana.

Tati: Or Star wars shit

Mel: Butter Lambs

Apparently in some parts of Europe “Butter Lambs” are made and served at Easter. Take this time to make your own butter sculptures!

Tati: D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G

Mel: Hot Cross Buns – Like so many other things these are an old tradition that then have been repurposed but basically these are buns with candied fruit or chocolate with a cross shape on the top made with frosting, slicing the bread or well however you want really. There are other traditional breads & cakes but these seem to be the most popular. If you make them today they supposedly have MAGIC POWERS OF HEALING. So make some today – here’s a recipe for you: recipe

last but not least…

Mel: PEEPS!

Everything can be made “Easter” with the addition of a Marshmallow Peep. This marshmallow goodness hailing from Bethlehem, PA is Easter at its best. Peeps = Instant Easter Dioramas, Microwaves & the Apocalypse.

Tati: Peep show hihihi

There was supposed to be a video of Elvis peeping the peeps here but Mel got lazier than me, so please enjoy a cool video of nothing:

Wilhelm Scream

2009-04-06T22:30:00.018-04:00

Tati: Well hello there! Before starting our post, I would like to share with all of you why Mel is going to hell. And also point that I will meet her there for some other good reasons.

Mel: I will be serving cocktails at 6. Please remember to bring extra cherries and olives.

Mel’s co-worker: would you care to explain this egg laying next to my feet?
Mel: what?
Mel’s co-worker: chocolate egg laying next to my feet Hannah Montana egg...
Mel: did you lay it?
Mel’s Co-worker: I know it was you stop laughing! You have glass walls...
Mel: I am laughing now hahaha because you told me to stop. Not to mention Tati is making me laugh :P
Mel’s Co-worker: anyway brace for it! I will find something to get back at you!
Mel: Surprise butt sex is not appropriate in the work place.
Mel’s Co-worker: I shall have my revenge *shakes fist in anger*

Mel: I am innocent until proven guilty and apparently according to my co-worker even if proven innocent I'm STILL guilty because it is impossible for me not to have been involved. I wonder how he liked the OTHER egg that I left on his chair...

Tati: Ahhh the joys of the work place environment!

(Yes I’ve edited it a “little” but I didn’t touch the text, I mean just the order of it, but it looks a lot better this way)

Mel: Actually you didn’t edit it much-just took out the long accusatory logic of whether it was me or not, and did I mention that this HM egg comes with a microphone inside that plays one of her songs?

Tati: And how would you know that? OH!

Mel: I think I need one for myself just so I can ...better not divulge all my plans here. My co-worker reads this. Then again I’m already going to hell – just think how much fun it would be to have Instant Miley Ray Cyrus - on second thought that physically hurts to watch.

Tati: I like this girl. She seems legit. Her friend looks retarded though. Her dad aged well (that's all I'm saying)

ANYWAY. So you guys like our lists right? TOO BAD! Today we will educate you instead. SIT DOWN!

Today’s lesson: Wilhelm scream

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuu

The Wilhelm scream is a result of pure laziness + the funniest scream ever produced by a human being. So, basically what happened was: In 1951, somebody recorded this funny scream to be used at a movie called “Distant Drums”. The scene, mind you, was a guy being eaten by an Alligator!

Mel: What I want to know is what the guy who recorded it was thinking when he did it. I mean what was the scene? I know...he sat through the Dragon Ball movie like I did and this was the scream he made as his brains melted out. That movie was so bad my forehead still hurts from face palming so much.

Tati: Well what I know is that nobody knows for sure who is the guy who recorded it, because at the time, they had a bunch of people coming in to record sound effects for movies.

According to some documents, the most likely to have recorded the Wilhelm Scream is this guy here. And I think he was thinking about his own music when he screamed, because it sounds worst than Dragon Ball the movie (BTW how the hell did this movie go to the theaters instead of straight to DVD?)

Ok, on with our lesson: Then, some lazy ass from Warner Bros. found it on their archives and used it at another movie from 1953, called “Charge at Feather River”. After that, obviously, Warner Bros. wanted to use the scream, which was named after the character at “Charge at Feather River” and became the Wilhelm scream.

Mel: Charge at Feather River? Well learn something new every day – there actually IS a Feather River. Dun Dun Duuuuuuun

YAY!

Tati: In the meantime, somewhere in Jamesville, NY, young Ben Burtt, a sound effects enthusiast, noticed that the scream was popping up everywhere in a bunch of movies. So what to do in this situation? Well he and his friends made a movie called "The Scarlet Blade" in 1974 and guess what? YES they used the Wilhelm scream!

Mel:

Tati: I would like to spend some time on Mr. Burtt. I was ready to hate him (just because), but then I learned that he was an uncredited sound designer at “Death Race 2000” one of my favourite movies. This movie is so great I am willing to waste your time talking about it before I continue with the amazing Wilhelm scream story.

Mel: Death Race 2000 is such a bad movie it is frigging fantastic – Watch out for the Crepe Suzettes!

Tati: Please take a look at how awesome this movie is (NOTHING BAD ABOUT IT MEL):

OH GOD! Did you see that? Now look closer, look who’s in it!

Mel: The one the only...

Tati: YESSSS my beloved Cobra! That was his first movie EVAH! (No it wasn’t it was actually his 8th).

So the movie basically is a bunch of funny cars (and people) racing across the Unites States in the year 2000. The winner will be the one who kills more people on its way to the arrival! If you ask me, that’s the perfect movie!

You know what really sucks? The remake they did! I didn’t even care to watch. But look at the summary of this piece of crap: “In 2012, amid economic chaos and high unemployment, Americans by the millions watch criminals with life sentences race armored cars on Terminal Island.”

Fuck you Hollywood! Fuck you and your fake “They-can-only-kill-each-other-if-they-were-already-set-to-die” attitude!

Mel: If it’s on TV I’ll watch it – but I have a feeling it will be a horrible horrible movie versus a good horrible like the original. There’s a fine but distinct line.

If you liked the movie you will probably like the game: Upshift Strike Racer, where players use machine guns & mines in order to take each other out while racing. Pity the controls are so bad.

Tati: Look who’s Machine Gun Joe:

What a fucking JOKE!

Ok, let’s get back to the story:

Mel: I think you need an Emergency Yodel

Tati: OH MY GOD Mel! Stop it! Are you high on sound effects? Damn woman!

SO, Ben Burtt was invited to be the sound designer on Star Wars in 1977. Guess what he did? Yep! Not only the first (fourth?) Star Wars movie had the Wilhelm scream in it; ALL Star Wars movies have it! You know what other movies have the Wilhelm scream? ALL Indiana Jones!!!! He put it in EVERY SINGLE movie he ever did (Kinda).

He is doing Star Trek guys! I’ll bet all of you will be waiting for the “Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuu” in the movie!

Mel: you can confess Mr. Burtt, Chewbacca is just a variation of this isn’t he?

Tati: R2D2 scream is another variation candidate

Another fun fact about the Wilhelm scream is that the sound designers try to blur the scream into the movies. At the “Masters Of Horrors” movie called “Homecoming” by Joe Dante, the zombies die screaming the Wilhelm way. He also used it on some of his other movies. Another famous one is "Poltergeist". The Wilhelm Scream appears when Carol Anne is watching a movie and a guy in the movie screams. It’s everywhere!!!!

You can also find the Wilhelm scream in TV shows. X-Files used it ALOT, Family Guy, thousands of cartoons, animations, you name it!

Here are two cool compilations I found on You Tube:

Mel: This reminds me of the Amen Break Drum Loop:

Tati: which was going to be a WHOLE different post in the future. Thank you Mel!

There are a lot of other movies that also used the Wilhelm scream. It became some sort of in joke for the sound designers. They use it everywhere and sometimes they also use variations of it. The funny thing is I read somewhere that Ben Burtt got all pissed off after people found out about the Wilhelm scream. Like the lame kid who says “I used to like that band when they were underground”. Grow up man!

Mel: It’s because when it went mainstream everyone was doing it and therefore no longer cool. But I agree:

It’s pointless to resist!

Tati:

SSSSSSSSSSsssssssss

Talking about bands, there is a band called A Wilhelm Scream. They are funny and make me smile, but it’s not the type of music I love the most. It is better than Star Wars though!

Mel: I don’t understand the jumping. Are they practicing for skipping rope contests?

Tati: it’s the same as headbanging for the metal dudes

More of them here.

For the ones who want to see a list of movies with the Wilhelm scream here you have a very good list: CLICK HERE silly!

I will call you later, I’m just going to take a nap...

Mel:

oh nevermind...pass me my pillow I plan to have screaming dreams.

Tati:

Anyone for a freaky festival?

2009-04-03T08:12:00.018-04:00

Mel: Earlier this week I came across a piece of news that provided the inspiration for this post. I missed the Frozen Dead Guy Days – a weekend long festival that revolves around a Frozen Dead Guy. This got me thinking about the fact that the world must be absolutely full of bizarre and fantastic festivals that simply must be experienced at least once in your life in order for it to be complete and without regret. So here goes, a list of 10 ~~Non-sexual~~ Festivals that you can’t die without having participated in at least once.

Tati: OH BOY! This gotta be a good one. I also love watching Mel pretending she is sweet and innocent.

Mel: Frozen Dead Guy Days (obviously)

Confess it was you that won last year wasn’t it Tati?

Tati: Mel, I can understand why you think that was me last year. First, because I go every year and second because I have the exact same dress! But I didn't win last year : (

Next year I WILL win foh sure! I'm going as Laura Palmer.

No way I'll lose as Laura Palmer

Mel: More info on this festival, for the ones who want to steal the prize from Tati in 2010:

Where & When: Nederland, Colorado (USA) - Friday through Sunday of the first full weekend in March.

What is it? A festival that started in 2002 surrounding the bizarre story of Grandpa Bredo and his Norwegian deported relatives and their attempts at creating a Cryogenic facility.

Activities include: Coffin Races, Slow-motion parades, Frozen Dead Guy Look alike contests, Snowshoe Race, Showing of the Documentaries: Grandpa’s in the Tuff Shed & Grandpa’s still in the Tuff Shed, Tours of the Tuff Shed where the Frozen Dead Guy is, Polar Plunge (Jumping into lakes that were frozen over –requires breaking the ice), Pancake Breakfasts, Attending the “Grandpa’s Blue Ball” (a dance), Ice Sculpture Contests, Eating “Frozen Dead Guy” flavored Ice Cream, Dancing Zombies, and of course Beer Drinking.

Why I want to go: Come ON! Coffin Races, Frozen Dead Guy Ice Cream, and Dancing Zombies? Must I say more?

Tati: OK nothing sexual about this, but wait 'till you get there! Frozen sex is the best! THE BEST JERRY!!!

Mel: Burning Man

Where & When: Black Rock Desert, Nevada (USA) – September near Labor day Weekend – This year will be August 31st to September 7th.

What is it? A festival that celebrates freedom community and the following 10 principles: Radical Inclusion (Everyone is welcome – no restrictions), Gifting, Radical Self-Reliance, Radical Self Expression, Communal Effort, Civic Responsibility, Leaving No Trace, Participation, Immediacy, & Decommodification (Extremely limited Cash transactions – basically only tickets to get in & out & purchase of industrial beverages (Coke) & fuel). Every year there is a theme, and at the end of the festival a giant male effigy is burnt. This year`s theme is Evolution.

Activities include: Salt/Sand Storms, Bonfires, “Self Expression”, Art Installations, themed camps, shows, parties, Mutant Vehicles/Art Cars, “Clothing Optional”, Alcohol (& Drugs), Free Condoms & Cookies, and even more bizarre/interactive art,

Why I want to go: Ok while this seems like a modern artsy Hippie festival (and it is) it also features things you won’t see anywhere else on earth. Some of these should have remained unseen but others are ephemeral and a “had to be there” experience. Every year it grows and the more people that go the crazier it gets and the more “bizarre” things that can happen & I`ll take a camera to capture it all.

Tati: Is anybody else thinking about this, or is it just me?

Man I'd love to see that! Also. Sex in the fire is the best! THE BEST JERRY!!!

Mel: Holi: Festival of Colors

Tati: WOW, BEAUTIFUUUUUL!!!!

Where & When: countries with a large Hindu population such as India, Nepal, Suriname, Guyana, South Africa, Trinidad, the UK, Fiji, & Mauritius in late February or March for up to 16 days depending on the location.

What is it? A festival that celebrates Hindu beliefs regarding some demon or other and some other gods and the story was really long and complicated and I was having trouble following it. I`m sure it’s really fascinating and someday I will dedicate myself to understanding it, but basically it is a giant “color” fight in order to force out the bad and bring in the good. The colors being thought to be good for the health and to take all the sorrow away.

Tati: I am SURE breathing all that color dust is awesome for your health. I can almost feel my colorful lungs!

Activities include: Colored Water Squirt gun “fights”, Water balloons filled with color water, colored powder fights, Special Bonfires, Singing of Holi Songs, Swings, Flower Garlands, “Beating of brothers-in-law with rope Saris”, prayers & other religious rituals, folk dances, drinking of bhang (cannabis) & Provocative song singing by men followed in retaliation by the women beating the men with sticks.

Why I want to go: Water Fights & Colored Water Sign me up today!

Tati: Can you say colorful sex? It must be the best! THE BEST JERRY!!!

Mel: Phallus Festival

Tati: reminds me of the whore festival we have in Brazil

Where & When: Tyrnavos, Greece on the first Monday before lent (the day before Carnival)

What is it? The pagan fertility festival in honor of the god Dionysus & marks the beginning of the Greek Orthodox fasting period before Easter.

Activities include: Phallic Object parades, Eating Spinach Soup, Phallus shaped bread & Other foods, Cooking of the “bourani” soup (people are rocked over it and must kiss a ceramic phallus and drink alcohol from its tip in order to be “set free”), Being hit by giant Phalluses, Sitting on a Phallus Throne,

Tati: Pretty OK!

Why I want to go: Who wouldn’t?

Tati: The best, THE BEST JERRY!!!

Mel: Pirates in Paradise Festival

Where & When: Nov. 28th – Dec. 6th (this year) in Key West, FL

What is it? “9 Days of Pure Piratical Escapades Celebrating Key West's Rich & Colorful Maritime Heritage”

Activities include: Maritime & Pirate Museums/Exhibits/Historical Stuff, Dressing up as a pirate/competitions, lots of reenactments, lots of street entertainers (like Renaissance Festivals) Pirate Invasions, Pillage & Plunder Parties, Pirate Attacks, Walking Tours, Official end of Hurricane Season Parties, Music & Dancing, Parties & Drinking, Nautical Excursions, Most Boom Wench & Bad Ass Pirate competitions, Village Thieves Market, Pirate Olympics, Walk the Plank Championship, Artists & Vendors, Shipwreck Ball, Lighted Holiday Parade, & Pirate Weddings.

Why I want to go: Pirates – arrrrrrrrrrrrrr Someone loan me a peg leg and an eye patch, quick!

Tati: Mel, have you ever had sex with a pirate?

Mel: Nope

Tati: It's the best! THE BEST JERRY!!!

Mel: La Tomatina

Where & When: the last Wednesday of August in the town of Buñol in the Valencia region of Spain.

What is it? La Tomatina is a food fight festival where the women wear white and the men wear no shirts, that no one is quite sure why/how it started but is somehow related to the patron saint of the city (Mary of the Defenseless) but Is basically a giant rotten tomato food fight. The fight does not begin until someone manages to remove a ham from the top of a greased pole.

Activities include: paella cook off, Singing, Dancing, Giant Tomato Food Fight, parades, & fireworks.

Why I want to go: FOOOOD FIIIIGGGGHHHHT!
Tati: EXTREME FOOD FIGHT! You will be picking out tomatoes out of your ass for a week.

Mel: Wait...What?
Tati: mmmmmm tomatoes The best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best...

Mel: International Birdman Festival

Where & When: summer in Bognor Regis on England's South Coast

What is it? The Birdman is a flight competition for human powered flying machines no motors allowed. You have to reach 50 feet – I personally think professional hang gliders should be banned.

Activities include: Watching people in funny costumes or with weird flying contraptions try to fly a specific distance and failing epically and fantastically.

Why I want to go: I want to compete.

Tati: HAHAHAHA Birdman!!!

Mel: Up Helly Aa

Where & When: Lerwick, Shetland

What is it? A Viking Festival mixed with some Yule traditions all served on a messy plate of flaming flamboyant fun. Has been nicknamed “Transvestite Tuesday” but is considered officially to be a Viking Fire Festival

Activities include: crowning of the Jarl, Burning of the Viking Longboat (Viking Sea Burial), Best Shop Window Competition, themed costumes, torch processions, skits, competitions, parties, singing & dancing, cross dressing (male), reenactments, street fairs, beer & bonfires.

Why I want to go: I like an excuse to wear a costume, and if I’ve already done the pirate thing, why not the Viking?

Tati: What girl doesn't wanna have sex with a delicious Viking?

Oh my, my! Would you look at that axe?

Mel: The Blobfest

Tati: that is the worst blob balloon I've ever seen. Looks like a brain!

Where & When: mid July in Phoenixville, PA (USA) This year will be July 10th – 12th.

What is it? Celebrates the 1958 cult classic The Blob in a party held in the city where the movie was filmed.

Activities include: Movie scene reenactments, The Blob movie showings, Costume Contests, Blob themed merchandise, Pizza Blobs, Option to buy insurance against Blob damage, injury & fatalities, The Blob Ball, Tin Hat Competition, Steve McQ ueen Look alike contest, Sci-fi B-movie showings, The Scream Awards, Street Fair, Fire Extinguisher Parade, and other Blob/Sci-fi B-movie related activities, foods and events.

Tati: Sex in goo perhaps? That would be so much fun!

Why I want to go: Gotta show the love to the B movies of the world, and I`m all for helping little town preserve their theaters & future Sci-fi origins.

Tati: No funnies about this one. Shitty movies is serious business! (shut up!)

Mel: Oulu Music Video Festival (Air Guitar World Championship)

Where & When: Oulu Finland, in August

What is it? Originally started as a joke, the competition was only meant only to be a side attraction for the music video festival. The ideology behind the event was that "wars would end and all the bad things would go away if everyone just played air guitar".

Activities include: Air Guitar World Competition, Music Video Competition (Finnish & International), Music Film contest and in general events relating to Finnish & International music….and an Air Guitar Competition.

Why I want to go: Well it is in Finland and based on the other festivals both on this page and floating around the net; they know how to make a festival out of something everyone else would find silly or retarded. Maybe that’s how I come by it – it’s genetic. Plus – it’s a music festival with an AIR GUITAR competition? Or didn't you notice?

Tati: Since Drummers are WAY hotter than skinny Guitar players. I will make my air drums festival. It's gonna be called AIR DRUM FEST! I see there is a HUGE potential.

Mel: There were so many great festivals it was hard to narrow it down to just 10. Maybe I`ll have to make a part two to this list. Enjoy and if anyone ever goes to one of these send us pictures, otherwise I’ll post mine when I finally take them, so Tati which one do we hit first?

Tati: OH MAN! I wanna fuck a pirate! Let's go to the pirate thing one!!!!

It's the best, THE BEST JERRY!!!

Brothers from different fathers

2009-03-30T20:17:00.015-04:00

Mel: ...or sisters from different mothers...

Tati: So you guys have been enjoying our crazy lists huh? Lots and lots of emails asking us to do more and more! Well, you know me. I’m a people pleaser. Mel also enjoys the art of pleasing humans, so here we go. Another list!

Mel: Although I’m best known for providing oral pleasure to both male and female humans at the same time even. Why just this weekend I made 5 Macaroni and Cheese & Glazed Doughnuts.

Tati: *sigh* Now I'm hungry...

Today we give you: people who never met their brothers and sisters because the milkman changed routes.

Mel: In my neighborhood it was the UPS man. For those unfamiliar with the Milkman Theory I suggest you check out The Amorous Milkman

Tati: Let’s begin with our multi-tasker: Bon Jovi. So far we've proved he is a Psycho-Killer and that he is turning into an old lesbian.

Now we will tell him -of course he reads the blog – that his dad was a Belgian milkman who wondered the States for a little while. If you ask me, I’ll tell you his dad was pretty hot, but for safety reasons, let’s stare at the family when they were still young and famous.

Mel: Well if we have a list, Bon Jovi has to be on it somewhere. I can picture his dad now. In some pub with a cold beer in his hand while people come up and say “Hey you look a bit like Bon Jovi!” While the drunk guy at the end of the bar slurs “No Van Dame it”

Tati: Brad’s mom also enjoyed some milk from Porto Rico. Little did she know that Hollywood would put an end to her lies!

Mel: You figure that’s why Angelina likes all her multi-cultural children? Because Brad is half Porto Rican? Or is she just another Mia Farrow – with her 15 kids? Either way I think this particular revelation disturbed me the most.

Tati: Next from our international Milkmen, we have the Irish Milkman who liked italo-american babes from Manhattan. Some people think Al Pacino looks like Robert Deniro, but Gabriel Byrne is his true brother!

Mel: OMG I have officially shat bricks. No really these two are twins separated at birth forget the whole international milk donations.

Tati: Well, this is not a case of lost Milkman. Sebastian Bach and Fernanda Lima are actually the same person. Whenever he is not on tour he goes back to Brazil to work as a model.

Mel: And I thought all the good transvestites were from Thailand or somewhere around there. Although, come to think of it...

Tati: Aww Sebastian is not a tranny. He is just natural I guess haha...

Tati: Oh man, this one is my favorite! Given the age difference I would say that Mr. Bean’s mom met Ritchie’s dad on a Milkmen conference in Pennsylvania in 1969.

Mel: Apparently both Bean & Ritchie`s dad used the “get her drunk enough” method of conception.

Tati: Here is another mistake people make. People think Bono is related to Robin Williams. But no, Bono is the older brother of Dunga, one of the worst Brazilian’s Soccer coaches in all Soccer history.

Mel: Actually...I read this book called The Boys from Brazil about Nazi doctors & Human Clones. I`m starting to think it is no coincidence there are so many Brazilians on this list. Also with a name like “Dung-a” what did you expect? ...Not that Bono is any less retarded of a name, but at least it isn’t “Crapo”.

Tati: The Hollaback girls! This was a busy Milkman. But he did a good job. I can even see how it happened. After Brittany and Gwen were born, Milkman went away to travel around the world. He met Leighton’s mom in Jamaica.

“Meester's parents, Connie and Doug, were involved in a drug ring that smuggled marijuana from Jamaica to the United States. Both were arrested for their involvement in the ring, and Connie was released on bail. While out, Connie became pregnant, and once she was convicted, she spent her pregnancy in a Texas state prison.” – That’s according to Wikipedia.

Mel: And if you read it on Wikipedia you know that it’s the truth. OMG. NO really, it really does say that.

Tati: Of course it does. Even if I wanted, I would not be able to make something like this up.

Tati: The reason you see 2 Iggys here is because it needed to be done. The picture in the middle looks like Anthony Kiedis a few years ago, proving my point even more. The Milkman who did this in 20 years intervals, came from Lithuania (Well not really but his parents did, so there!)

Mel: Okay! This Milkman who donated his milk was obviously physically attractive and hell maybe was even attractive period, but either he had the hots for retarded girls or he himself was mentally impaired. Proof that screwing may be indicative of someone attempting to tighten theirs or their selected partners back into place.

Tati: To me, this one works like a time line. I think in 5 more years Josh Todd will look like Denis Leary and in like 15 years or so he will look like his older brother Willem Dafoe. Every time I see Buckcherry live I imagine it’s Willen Dafoe singing. Makes me smile!

Mel: Which is your vehicle of time travel preference? The Delorian from Back to the Future, The telephone booth from Bill & Ted`s Excellent Adventure – or the simple Time Warp? Whatever you do remember to bring your own weapons because I’ve only ever done this once.

Tati: I prefer the Delorian, but Keanu is hotter, so I might trade hot for comfy... To be honest, I'd hit Josh Todd at any age, now that I've seen his future.

Tati: I don’t believe that they are different people. Winona needed a new career so she started again with a new name. She was smart pretending she came from London. But I guarantee there is no Milkman involved in this case.

Mel: You forgot that she looks so much like Natalie Portman she was cast as Padmés double. And I only now realized that it wasn’t all magic green screens & CGI. However, this whole Winona/Keira thing makes sense to me. How else is a girl supposed to sit on Johnny Depp’s & Orlando Bloom’s laps at the same time, while becoming one of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses.

Tati: Well duh! Why do you think Carmen Electra married Dave? This Milkman also works in 20 years intervals. That is a common practice amongst the Milkmen so there will be no suspicions. It works most of the time, but I am too smart for them. But I’m not judging you know? Just pointing that out...

Mel: 20 year difference? You know...it could be that instead of 20 year intervals Dave Navarro’s mom was a really big Prince fan.

Tati: Mel! Stop disturbing my logic!

Tati: Alright! This is another busy Milkman. He came from Brazil, then he went to the Uk and made Mrs. Idol one happy mom. Then to the US and made Mrs. Zombie Happy, then went back to Brazil to create Supla! AUUUUU PAPITO!

Mel: Okay, now there is no doubt about the fact that these dear boys had a cocky bad mouthed father who had an attitude (and maybe other things) bigger than he knew what to do with because seriously have you seen Supla’s mom? – Although if you look at his dad it proves the Milkman theory.

Tati: Well Supla's mom does know about sex. And maybe she just didn't age well *NOT*

Tati: This is the proof that the former Milkman was from Brazil. You see, Pedro de Lara was the older brother. He was born in Brazil, so yeah, I am right again.

Are you lost? Ok I’ll explain. Rob Zombie is Spider’s brother, that gives us 4 brothers! Pedro de Lara, Rob Zombie, Spider One, Billy Idol and Supla! WOW B-B-B-Busy!

Mel: Definitely bigger than he knew what to do with. Or rather didn’t know better than what to do with...wait Rob Zombie and Spider One can you imagine what their childhoods were like sitting there at the breakfast table? Sounds like a new sitcom to me!

Tati: Can you imagine the whole family together????

Tati: I’m not sure that this was the work of a Milkman. I think Zooey just didn’t want to mix her singing career with her acting career. It’s fine Zooey. I’ll keep your secret.

Mel: Great now I have “I kissed a girl” stuck in my head. There are worse things though. Although what is one to do if you kiss a girl and kinda like it? Hmmm Tati?

Tati: Well Mel, I guess that if you kinda like it, you kinda kiss her again!

Tati: HA! Last but not least: Seu Madruga A.K.A. Ramon Valdez and Dr. House! Awesome Milkman from Mexico who moved to the UK 30 years later. You are my hero Mexican Milkman!

Mel: In this case I prefer to believe it was the work of a time traveling milkman offering his own special brand of milk to sprinkle over the oat fields because otherwise I have to believe Seu Madruga is House's father. Also House is Gordon Freeman.

HA!