Aug 31, 2010
Today I am gonna teach you how to drive me crazy. I will punch you sooner or later so choose wisely how to poke me.
I hate a lot of things, but there are some specific things that drive me insane. Do you know what I mean? Things that you hate so much that makes you feel good about it?!
I hate people that whistle:
Oh man, wanna see me angry? Come whistle next to me. There is this guy at work, just thinking about him makes me turn red. The fucker has the worst timing, not that there is EVER a time to whistle. He waits for me to find something really important to do or something that requires my attention, then he starts whistling. GODDAMMIT!!!! Dude if you are reading this post, I beg you, stop that!
Another thing that drives me crazy is people that hold their forks like this:
I stole this image from this guy, Simon, who says that his wife ”has a rather unusual obsession. For some reason she always notices how people hold their fork, and becomes amusingly irritated when she sees someone doing it “wrong”.
Simon, your wife’s “obsession” is not unusual, it is perfectly normal to expect people to hold their forks the right way. How hard it is to hold it like this?
Seriously, what is wrong with these people, were they raised by gorillas? Is this the first time they see a fork? What about their instincts?
Think about holding the fork the wrong way and analyze how much more energy you spend to deliver food to your mouth. Not to mention you look like an idiot eating like that.
I judge people that hold their forks like a gorilla and categorize them on the lower end of my scale. If you would like to check Simon’s blog, here is the link to it (click it!). He is talking about Japanese stuff on his latest post, so he must be a cool guy (with an even cooler wife who holds her fork properly!)
Moving on with table manners, I hate people who eat with their mouths open, talk or make noises while chewing. They should die! I hope they all do. Of course, if you already hold your fork like an underdeveloped simian I should not expect you to put the correct amount of food into your mouth to avoid having to chew it with your mouth open, or even knowing that there is absolutely no reason to talk with food still inside your mouth. NOW, making noises while chewing, that’s when you risk getting punched (in case you are doing it close me). My blood boils!
I tried to get a “normal” picture just to prove that this is not as extreme as it sounds. Have you ever seen this? I see this here all the time, toenails that are slightly longer than they should. This is so disgusting, how do they put their shoes on? Those who know me are aware that I hate feet in general, but this is a whole different level.
I am guessing that girls that have long toenails also hate feet and are so disgusted by it that they cannot bring themselves to touch their own feet, not even to cut their toenails (I pay people to do that for me). That is the only answer. The only thing more disgusting than long toenails are those toe rings.
Apples disguised as potatoes:
This is the sneakiest form of cooking. There you are, happy and clueless, eating your potato salad and then: APPLE! Why do they do it? Why put apples in a perfectly fine potato salad.
If you are aware that there are apples, there is very little that can be done. Try to pick them out of your salad, I dare you! They look exactly like the potatoes, but when you put them in your mouth it ruins the whole experience. You are expecting soft yummy potato and all you get is a crunchy bitter apple covered with mayo.
Damn you people. My mom goes a step further; she adds onions, raw onions to potatoes and apples and mayo. She also alternates, so you never know when it is potato or potatoes with apples. Pure evil.
I hate Old school Korn Fans:
Like, really? That’s gotta be a joke. If it is then I love this guy. Sorry about that.
Couples making noises:
I don’t mind the public display of affection at all. I even enjoy it when it is borderline free (live) porn.
But kiss noises, ARRRRGGGGHHHHH. NASTY!
Just as bad as making noises while you chew.
It also bothers me when couples on the car in front of me are kissing. I kiss in the car too but I hate when it’s not me doing it. Every time I see a couple kissing on the car in front of me I hit the car horn. FON! Best thing evah! Try it, I get the funniest reactions. Most of the time they jump and look at the street thinking that the light is green, then they look back and see me laughing, then they get mad and I get happy!
The girl at the Gym:
I hate her. She didn’t do anything to me. She drives me crazy though. If she is at the machine right next to me that’s it! I can’t work out! All I can think is pushing her out of the machine!
I think that it’s because she spends one hour working out with the machine turned off. Don’t get me wrong, I only go to the Gym to clear more space for food, but this girl should be forbidden to use that Gym. Die lazy girl, die!!!!!
There is one thing I love about the Gym. It’s the cleaning thing for the machines. That thing smells like Margaritas. This is the best idea: cleaning products that smell like alcoholic drinks. Best part of the Gym is when I arrive – and intentionally clean the machine before using it – and when I finish, when I have to clean the machine again. Sweet sweet smell of tequila and lime!