A guide to drive me crazy  

Aug 31, 2010

Hey Guys!

Today I am gonna teach you how to drive me crazy. I will punch you sooner or later so choose wisely how to poke me.

I hate a lot of things, but there are some specific things that drive me insane. Do you know what I mean? Things that you hate so much that makes you feel good about it?!

I hate people that whistle:

Oh man, wanna see me angry? Come whistle next to me. There is this guy at work, just thinking about him makes me turn red. The fucker has the worst timing, not that there is EVER a time to whistle. He waits for me to find something really important to do or something that requires my attention, then he starts whistling. GODDAMMIT!!!! Dude if you are reading this post, I beg you, stop that!

Another thing that drives me crazy is people that hold their forks like this:

I stole this image from this guy, Simon, who says that his wife ”has a rather unusual obsession. For some reason she always notices how people hold their fork, and becomes amusingly irritated when she sees someone doing it “wrong”.

Simon, your wife’s “obsession” is not unusual, it is perfectly normal to expect people to hold their forks the right way. How hard it is to hold it like this?

Seriously, what is wrong with these people, were they raised by gorillas? Is this the first time they see a fork? What about their instincts?

Think about holding the fork the wrong way and analyze how much more energy you spend to deliver food to your mouth. Not to mention you look like an idiot eating like that.

I judge people that hold their forks like a gorilla and categorize them on the lower end of my scale. If you would like to check Simon’s blog, here is the link to it (click it!). He is talking about Japanese stuff on his latest post, so he must be a cool guy (with an even cooler wife who holds her fork properly!)

Moving on with table manners, I hate people who eat with their mouths open, talk or make noises while chewing. They should die! I hope they all do. Of course, if you already hold your fork like an underdeveloped simian I should not expect you to put the correct amount of food into your mouth to avoid having to chew it with your mouth open, or even knowing that there is absolutely no reason to talk with food still inside your mouth. NOW, making noises while chewing, that’s when you risk getting punched (in case you are doing it close me). My blood boils!

Long toenails:

I tried to get a “normal” picture just to prove that this is not as extreme as it sounds. Have you ever seen this? I see this here all the time, toenails that are slightly longer than they should. This is so disgusting, how do they put their shoes on? Those who know me are aware that I hate feet in general, but this is a whole different level.

I am guessing that girls that have long toenails also hate feet and are so disgusted by it that they cannot bring themselves to touch their own feet, not even to cut their toenails (I pay people to do that for me). That is the only answer. The only thing more disgusting than long toenails are those toe rings.

This bitch has both + hairy legs *puke*

Bon Jovi!

I was trying to find something to hate about Bon Jovi to include him on our list, but then I found this guy, Clayton, who hates Bon Jovi. Really, Really hates Bon Jovi and doesn’t know why. He hates Bon Jovi so much that he wrote a post about it and included this masterpiece:

He thinks Bon Jovi’s lyrics are cheesy. If he followed our blog, he would know that Bon Jovi lyrics are hidden confessions from a Psycho Killer. If you want to know how much Clayton hates Bon Jovi go check out his angry Post.

Apples disguised as potatoes:

This is the sneakiest form of cooking. There you are, happy and clueless, eating your potato salad and then: APPLE! Why do they do it? Why put apples in a perfectly fine potato salad.

If you are aware that there are apples, there is very little that can be done. Try to pick them out of your salad, I dare you! They look exactly like the potatoes, but when you put them in your mouth it ruins the whole experience. You are expecting soft yummy potato and all you get is a crunchy bitter apple covered with mayo.

Damn you people. My mom goes a step further; she adds onions, raw onions to potatoes and apples and mayo. She also alternates, so you never know when it is potato or potatoes with apples. Pure evil.

I hate Old school Korn Fans:

Like, really? That’s gotta be a joke. If it is then I love this guy. Sorry about that.

Couples making noises:

I don’t mind the public display of affection at all. I even enjoy it when it is borderline free (live) porn.


Just as bad as making noises while you chew.

It also bothers me when couples on the car in front of me are kissing. I kiss in the car too but I hate when it’s not me doing it. Every time I see a couple kissing on the car in front of me I hit the car horn. FON! Best thing evah! Try it, I get the funniest reactions. Most of the time they jump and look at the street thinking that the light is green, then they look back and see me laughing, then they get mad and I get happy!

The girl at the Gym:

I hate her. She didn’t do anything to me. She drives me crazy though. If she is at the machine right next to me that’s it! I can’t work out! All I can think is pushing her out of the machine!

I think that it’s because she spends one hour working out with the machine turned off. Don’t get me wrong, I only go to the Gym to clear more space for food, but this girl should be forbidden to use that Gym. Die lazy girl, die!!!!!

There is one thing I love about the Gym. It’s the cleaning thing for the machines. That thing smells like Margaritas. This is the best idea: cleaning products that smell like alcoholic drinks. Best part of the Gym is when I arrive – and intentionally clean the machine before using it – and when I finish, when I have to clean the machine again. Sweet sweet smell of tequila and lime!

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Holy shit you guys!  

Aug 24, 2010

This was a big break, a non-intentional huge break. Mel and I were kinda busy. You see, keeping this blog is very expensive; we have to take care of our team. They are very needy and they just can't go out partying alone, they need us!

Mel: This time around I say we HIRE a designated driver/walker/dresser. I’m tired of convincing our programmer to keep his clothes on. 

Tati: Anyway, because we spent a lot of time with the blog issues, we got fired from our real jobs. So as always we got creative. We had to find things that would give us money to pay for sex, drugs and Rock ‘n’ roll. Just kidding, you know we don’t do drugs.

Mel: Unless you count caramel or caffeine.

Tati: or cocaine…

Before telling you all about our “break”, I would like to say “HI” to the psychotic Spring Break whores that when not too busy showing their tities on TV, like to spend some time reading our blog.

“Fuck you bitch…Maybe your mom is a whore that shagged all that famous people but they didn’t pay for sex (because it was worse than eat your dog’s shit) So you’re getting even or maybe just want to spend your free time…”

“Oh…What’s wrong with you? They’re old and different but they don’t look like old lesbians except for Bret Michaels and his friend…Maybe you’re just a person who has no life and for that reason you’re being a bitch…With hate F*ck you…”

Click the image to see bigger

And the Spanish speaking idiot with the impaired brain, dude:

Пайшоў на хуй / Jebi se / Persse / Sirain mo / Γαμήσου / Bèz ou / भाड़ में जाओ तुम / Baszd meg / Diancuk / באַרען איר / Vai se fuder/ We love you too!

“Seguro eres un aborto de la naturaleza que no tiene vida que se pasa todo el tiempo criticando a personas que hacen la mejor musica
You’re right...
We love you =* =

Click the image to see bigger

Now, back to the subject. Once we got the news about losing our jobs we decided to go out with a bang. We gathered all the money we had left in our bank accounts and flew to Finland, the country of metal and weirdness. I got to tell you guys, Finland beats Japan in any freak competition you can think of.

Mel: That explains quite a few things…about me anyway.

Tati: Oh yeah, Mel is my Finnish Goddess.
Our first job there was as actors! Yes my friends, we have many hidden talents. We found an ad on the newspaper and went for it. Little did we know that the ad was for PORN actors.

Mel: To be fair the ad was rather vague, and in Finnish. Did you know that the word for “actress” in Finnish is Näyttelijä ?

Tati: Now we do!
Well we have nothing to be ashamed of and the amount of Euros offered was just irresistible. Here is the amazing result of our work!

It was a great experience but the hours were killing us.

Mel: Not to mention the fact the director wanted us to wear those suits 24-7 to really “get into character”. I stole the gloves from that gig but I think I lost them somewhere in Amsterdam.

Tati: You didn’t lose them, I mean, not technically. ANYWAY…After that, we decided to take advantage of the metal scene there and got ourselves a gig as roadies for the biggest metal band in Finland:

Mel: I was always slightly surprised by the number of panties I ended up cleaning off the stage after their shows. Surprised and greatly disturbed.

After Tati was caught making out with the drummer, his girlfriend kept trying to kill us. Their agent gave us some cash and begged us to get out of the country. Not to be the reason behind the break up of a band of such epic proportions we headed towards our next destination: Poland.

Why Poland you ask? Good question. We don’t know. I think we were in the train station trying to figure out how to get to Austria or somewhere else and ended up in Poland. We got a job at a traditional Milk Bar but we didn’t last there very long as we thought it was going to be different.
Tati: Was that in Poland? You learn something new everyday...
Mel: Here to illustrate – what we THOUGHT it was going to be like:

And this is what it was ACTUALLY like. Although…looking back on it – maybe they weren’t so different after all.

Tati: I love how nobody noticed that we were peeing on the milk glasses before putting the milk in it! I remember getting 10 bucks from the cook every time people paid without complaining!

Mel: We tried to find other employment after that – the demand for English teachers was high but somehow giving English classes in Auschwitz was depressing. After this general lack of party, we decided to get out of Europe and headed towards Japan.

Tati: Thinking about Japan makes me sad now. You see, we’ve been traveling with our whole crew, we lost our programmer somewhere in Finland, this was the last time we saw him:

And we were super excited about having our half breed Japanese designer with us; I mean she is the only one that can speak Japanese! But we lost her!!!! I have no idea where (or when) that happened. All I remember is that I was trying to get this cute Japanese drummer to go home with me and I turned to ask her how to tell him that and PUFF! Where is Agnes?

Mel: Now we had no job or a Japanese designer to guide us. There is no lack of things to do in Japan, don’t get me wrong. We quickly got hired at a Maid Bar. I love an excuse to dress up in costume – and what better place than this? Unfortunately the fact we didn’t speak Japanese made things difficult at times.

Tati: Yes it did, Mel was all happy because she thought she was going to dress up and check out the costume she got!

Mel: It is also very hard to work in that suit when you are drunk. Tati ordering heavy things from the kitchen didn’t help either!

Tati: C’mon! You made good money there!

Mel: Yeah but we left all our money there too. To pay for everything that you broke!

Tati: So Mel lost that job and we had to find something else. While we were wandering around town, we found Agnes!!!! She got a job working with monkeys! YES MONKEYS!!!! It took us exactly 4 days to steal that monkey from Agnes’ boss and get her in trouble, her boss told us that she is her property now until we pay for the monkey.

Mel: Monkeys are very expensive in Japan, who would have thought…

Tati: Since we had the monkey we thought of making some money with it. A while ago I saw a video on Cracked with Monkey waiters in Japan. Check it out:

Needles to say it didn’t go well and that was the last time we saw the monkey:

One of the customers at the monkey bar stole our monkey and apparently made him his bitch.

Mel: Although in order to leave Japan we had to leave our designer behind. She is currently being held as collateral in Tokyo. We make regular deposits into her paypal account so she can send us cute stuff…I mean help pay off the debt we incurred.

Tati: If you feel like helping to get Agnes Out of there send us an email and we will send you her Paypal account. NOT!

Mel: The ticket from Japan back to Brazil was too expensive – so we stopped in L.A. where we tried to find work. With our newly acquired porn experience on our resumes we applied to work with Cynthia Plaster Caster (You can check out her DVD here). We were trying to understand our rabid groupie haters and decided to work with a recovering one. It didn’t work out so well.

Tati: You think so? First day on the job we broke Gene Simon’s plaster dick!

Mel: So we headed home. Still with no way to support our growing plans for a blog – UNTIL – Elvis saved the day by mentioning how much extra cash we would now have to buy him tuna.

Tati: Yeah Elvis, not really, the truth is: our Programmer is lost in Finland, our designer is being held in Japan 2 is cheaper than 4. So with them not drinking our money, we can use it to drink double!

Mel: NO! We can use it to bring back the blog!

Tati: or that…For those who made it this far, we will keep updating the blog every Tuesdays and Fridays. We leave you a gift for being patient and reading it ‘till the end.

Now you are smarter!

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