Clone Wars  

Apr 20, 2009

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Tati: I am always impressed how fast people are when they are cloning stuff. In music for example, everybody is doing one style of music, all there, minding their own business, the same apathy and boredom, all good. Then one day, some shitty band hits the radio and BAM we are all fucked, all you can hear is thousands of bands doing the same shitty music.

Like, where are they coming from? And how do they put up an album so fast? You know what I mean? I doubt they were all ready to pop just waiting for the first one to do it. As if they were ashamed of it and waiting for the first martyr or something.

Mel: For shame Tati, do you not know of the conspiracy of music?

Tati: I don’t care really, but this bugs me since I was a kid. I never stopped thinking about it. It happens everywhere. One company releases a product and suddenly all companies are releasing the same product in funny variations. HOW? Really, doesn’t it take time to develop a product? It’s crazy!

Mel: Okay, but yeah this topic is not about the music industry conspiracy and how it is all the master plan. This is about making money, the Producers way.

Tati: This also happens in the movie industry, A LOT. But some are smarter than others. Some just make the cover looks like a successful movie, or just the title, but still funny to me. Let’s see some Movie “geniuses”.

Legally Blondes:

Mel: This really is a movie. I kept staring at the image waiting for the photoshopped joke to hit me, and figured I was too far out of the loop and then thought Tati was playing with my mind, so I goggled it and cried.

Tati: Oh boy! This movie is about Elle Wood’s twin cousins coming from London to some fancy school in California. I could stop right here and it would be a disaster already, but of course I won’t. These two girls come directly from Disney Channel’s “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody”.

Note that I am not linking it to anything, it is because this is crappier than I can stand – and you know I can take a whole lot of crap – and I don’t even want to look for a website with this. I’ve already went too deep. But here is the best part.

Mel: I think this is a case of not letting a popular franchise die. Did Michael Eisner consult on this one? Oh he of Disney direct to video sequel fame? Also...did you know that Legally Blonde was made into a Broadway musical?

Tati: Jesus, NO!

When you see something like that, if you are a regular human being, you instantly block yourself from touching it. But then you see on the cover “Presented by Reese Withaspoon” and you think: Well she put her name on it, then it shouldn’t be so bad right? WRONG! I had no idea what “presented by” meant so I went out to educate myself.

Mel: I too had to check it out because I had a hard time finding her name on the credits – it’s in the "Seamore" section, I thought maybe “presented by” meant she invested money in it somewhere. Good thing she was too smart.

Tati: Check this out:

AKA: Presents

A presenter is person (often famous or well respected) who introduces a movie or show on screen or via voice-over. Some films include a credit "Presented by", or "presents", which indicates the person is an executive producer as opposed to someone who appears in the film.

Translating: They gave her money and she recorded something like “And now, Legally Blondes! Enjoy." because I seriously doubt that she went to the screening.

Mel: I don’t know I’d go to the opening maybe – free food & free press. Although by the time I was as rich as Reese Witherspoon I would probably be happy to stay home in my jammies and wait for my free copy to arrive in the mail.

Teen Boxer:

This one is tricky. When you see the cover you think Karate Kid 4 (because it’s a girl and all), then you see the title: Teen Boxer and you think “Million Dollar Baby”, then you see “The shocking movie everyone is talking about” and you feel like an idiot, because you never heard anything about it. But everyone else did. So you better run to your favorite movie rental place (aka the internet) and “rent” it.

Mel: Although...did you see the “Next karate Kid” I don’t think I’d want to see another movie in that line. I prefer the originals.

Tati: I know there will be a remake, but I’m fine without it.

If you decide to go deeper into the details, you will see that a girl from Grey’s Anatomy is in the movie, so it REALLY must be good. And if you go to check the plot of the movie you will learn that her “real life brother” is in it too. Which explain why she has no boobs on the cover when she is karate-flying on the background.

Mel: Did you not notice her butt on the cover in WHITE? Clearly the guy was more of a butt man.

Tati: it’s her shorts, blind Mel!

See how they fuck you up? That’s good marketing! The movie is a piece of crap, but there is only so much marketing can do for you.

Mel: I’m taking notes!


Mel: Don’t you mean Transformers? Oh wait. No you don’t.

Tati: Well, with a title like that you don’t need to highlight anything else on your cover. You might even get some distracted minds “buying” it thinking it’s the Transformers movie.

If you ask me, I didn’t last 10 minutes on Transformers, that boy is dead ugly, I think that girls is kinda nasty and too skinny and the robots look awesome, but when I saw the ghetto robot I gave up on the movie.

Mel: I didn’t even go see it when it was FREE.


Mel: No, NO FUCK NO!

Tati: This one is about alien robots invading Earth, but they are evil and forced everybody to live underground (like the Matrix).

According to the summary, "a small group of humans develop a plan to defeat the mechanical invaders in the ultimate battle between man and machine."

Mel: Sounds like it might be better than I, Robot.

Tati: If you look at the cover, you can see that their plan is to shoot at the robots’ dick. Might work, who knows?

Against the Dark:

Yo, Steven, Blade already DID IT!

He had a sword too, and he fought vampires and he knew martial arts, he had black leather pants too, but he was Wesley Snipes. You are NOT. Not to mention that his sword looks like a crowbar-sword.

Plus this cover reminds me of “A Scanner Darkly”

Mel: A Scanner Darkly is awesome but can only be understood if you read the book first, and I have a feeling to really get it you have to be on some heavy drugs, but just seeing the effects of drugs on Philip K. Dick`s brain is enough for me.

Elvis has 1st hand experience, and agrees.

The Day the Earth Stopped:

“Hundreds of massive intergalactic robots appear in all of the world’s major capitals with an ultimatum: Prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

This one could be a prequel of the “Transmorphers” or the prequel for “The day the Earth stood still”. First it stopped, then it stood still, then the transfomorphers made everybody go underground then they put everybody inside the Matrix! Dude, why am I not rich yet?

Mel: I’m not sure Tati. I ask myself that every day.

Tati: *sigh*

NYC: Tornado Terror:

"A meteorologist and her husband must prevent devastating tornadoes from destroying New York."

Inspired by true events, mmmm. I don’t watch the news, but I am sure somebody would have commented around me if NY had been through a tornado terror.

Maybe he thought “Cloverfield” was real? Like he thought tornados did it? I love how the top of all buildings are burning. One would have thought that the wind on the terror tornado would suck off the fire. And it’s super clever of them to send helicopters to fight the tornados!

Two thumbs up to whoever made this movie.

Mel: I was too distracted by the water flooding and the statue of liberty losing her arms. Based on true events “The day a meteorologist and her husband had to tell everyone on TV & the radio (which was their job) that tornados MIGHT be coming towards New York”. By the way, how do 2 people destroy tornados? And if the cover is any hint they didn’t do a good job now did they?

Tati: Nope, not them or the director.


Mark my words: I will watch this movie! Even if you ignore that this is a better version of “Anaconda”, because vipers are cooler and Tara is hotter than J-Lo, there is also this amazing plot:

“Set of vipers has been taken by the scientists, and they’ve mutated them to make a cure for cancer, Then their experiment goes awry, and all these vipers escape into the woods, and they’re not only biting people, they’re actually killing people, in a little town”

Mel: The people also drive Viper cars. You know, SUV Vipers.

Tati: That would be a kick ass movie: SUV Vipers curing cancer!

How do you mutate a snake to cure cancer? Do you teach it how to cure cancer? Another observation, last time I checked all snakes bite to eat, so they all kill their preys. Maybe Vipers only bite people...I need more knowledge in my life.

Mel: I find internet forums to be highly educational full of opinions and you know how since it’s on the internet its 100% true always.

Jack Says:

Oh God... Not happy with “Spirit”, they had to do “Jack Says”. But fear not, this one is so low budget that the groundbreaking black & white with color effects don’t go past the cover. I was curious to see how they would do it with no money, so I watched 3 minutes of it. It’s just black & white then it turns into color.

I have no idea what this movie is about, but I’ll bet a lot of people watched it thinking it was Spirit 2.

Mel: ...

Universal Remote:

Ok, this one got me confused. I found two VERY different covers pointing to what could be two different movies. I could only find info on the CHARLY Murphy version (note the ginormous boobs behind him).

See, good marketing got even me, the queen of marketing. I went to IMDB searching for Eddy Murphy, then I looked closer at the cover and saw it was CHARLY Murphy. Not that it would have shock me if he was in this movie, the last good movie he did was “Coming to America”.

The other one I don’t know what to say. It looks like Christian Bale swallowing a remote control. I didn’t check, feel free to do it. I’m satisfied with Bale eating a golden remote control

Mel: Wasn’t there the one like Click, and like...this one just confuses me although Christian Bale swallowing a remote control might be funny. I checked to try to understand all this, but I still don't get it.

Death Racers:

GUYS!!!!! Somebody put Insane Clown Posse in a movie. And look in what movie! HAHAHAHA oh Lord, I’m going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee. I can’t breathe Mel, HELP!

Mel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – well it’s appropriate that you die with this one as it IS DEATH RACE. Although, nothing will ever be as good as Death Race 2000. Ever. Not even the Insane Clown Posse will be able to top it, but they can try.

Tati: No they can't.They can't try anything ever, if it's in public.

For the ones who happily, didn’t know what the heck is Insane Clown Posse, I’ll ruin your life for you: They are two fat white guys, dressed as clowns and they rap. Yep, fat-white-clown rappers!

In a movie!


Mel: Oh why just LOOK when you can truly SEE?

Tati: HAHAHAHAHA holy shit guys! I was going to get all nerdy about “Death Race 2000” and compare them to the “Death Race 3000” and tell you that this one actually has the same plot as the original, but then I saw “Insane Clown Posse” on the cover and HAHAHAHAHA HOLY FUCKING SHIT! (I hate you for this video Mel)

Ok, next...

I’ll end this post with some other movie clones that won’t really need explanation so enjoy!

Son of RamboW:

Awww they even put a little Col. Trautman and its British!

The Net 2.0:

Remember The Net?

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls:


Plan Bee:

The sting is in the tale!

Os Carrinhos:

Mel: I would like to take this moment to share with you all the YOUTUBE channel of this delightful company and their wonderful movies. Robozinhos is a version of Robots + Wall e.The English versions are a treat let me tell you.

Tati: Are there English versions of this?


Mel: Don't forget to visit their official website!

Pierrot Le Poisson Clown:

Shark Bait:

The Little Panda fighter:

Ok, ok, I’ll stop!

By the way, did you see how I made you read our post by calling to your Star Wars genes? See? That’s what you get for being a Star Wars fan. Serves you right!

Mel: oooooohhhhhh Tati good one. Wait, seriously, why aren’t you rich yet?

Tati: meh, go figure...

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2 comments: to “ Clone Wars

  • Bell
    April 21, 2009 at 8:43 AM  

    Wow, it's hard to believe people can clone things at that extent. I actually read the transmorphers title 3 times hahaha

    And wtf for the tornado terror cloverfield MONSTRO poster.

  • Anonymous
    April 24, 2009 at 3:30 PM  

    you forgot the biggest clone wars in hollywood ever.

    deep impact

    (even tought armageddon wins hands down. it has liv tyler. no more questions)


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