Do blondes really have more fun?  

Apr 28, 2009


This week Mel and I got into this HUGE fight because she insisted that blondes have more fun. We spent a long time arguing, until we decided to do science and prove once and for all who has more fun!

So we did what any friend in distress would do. We went shopping! We spent the whole day online buying goodies from local stores. The test results will be posted on Friday.

Mel: The Statistical Chart has already been created and data will be collected during the week in order to statistically analyze to learn the true results.

Tati: Today we will leave you with the results of our shopping spree (you will have to come back on Friday to see what we actually bought)

WARNING: Some pictures are not safe for work, but they are not that heavy either, I’d go for it. I’d even show them to my boss. I’d even invite my boss’ wife to see them, I’d even invite my boss’ wife’s mom to see them!

Mel: Of course Tati is currently working freelance so just because she would do it doesn’t mean you should.

Tati: Or does it?

Pleasure Periscope


“A "vibrating 4-inch probe with built-in periscope light and viewing window"

Tati: this is technology at its best! Not only you can pleasure yourself, but you can perform a full gynecological exam or if you are feeling naughty enough (or brave), you can give your boyfriend a Colonoscopy. I am pretty sure he will love it!

Mel: This is clearly something imagined by a guy and designed by one as it looks like something from Star Trek - To boldly go where no Trekkie has gone before.

Tati: one more reason to give him a colonoscopy

NOT

Strawberry Ass


"freshly scented strawberry jelly anus with tight noduled sleeve."

Tati: Oh man, a strawberry jelly anus? That must smell so bad, but surely smells better than any regular scented anus.

Mel: This makes me think of Donuts. Like this was supposed to have been a “Freshly scented strawberry jelly donut anus”


Pretty much, yeah...


Mr. Jack with Mustache



“A rubber jack-off sleeve for men, shaped like a male mouth and chin”

Mel: This is just wrong. However it will be a true test of which has more fun - count how many men you turn on by holding one of those and winking suggestively.

Tati: this must feel like getting a blow job from a deformed Mexican. This looks so creepy like the baby alien that comes from inside the Alien’s mouth on the Alien’s movie. Or a gay Muppet.



The Cone



Tati: Well, it’s pink, looks like a party hat and vibrates. I’d sit on it! Last party hat I sat on didn’t even bother to vibrate. I’m not complaining, but I think it would be nice if it had vibrated. You can also lay on it or sit against gravity on it too.

What are they reading?

Mel: They are probably reading the instruction manual.

Tati: looks easy from my point of view...



Tuyo



Tati: this is a crazy vibrating ball, super GLAM, comes in black and blacker, and also in white and pink. You can roll it all over you, your boyfriend, your neighbours, friends, networking is very important these days with the recession. I think this ball might be a great ice breaker.

Mel: But the true test is whether I can convince the Prince of the Universe to trade me one of these for his Katamari.

Tati: Oh!


Delight



Tati: Don’t worry, I am tilting my head too. This is like an Escher vibrator. Comes in 3 cool colors, I like this one cause it’s the same color as my tooth brush.

Mel: It comes in a nice case too. And if you leave it lying around no one would ever guess especially if you put a cute face sticker over the on off switch. In fact it should.

Does this one come with an instruction manual? Because I’m not sure I have the proper alien anatomy for this one.


Tati: Maybe THAT's the instructions that the Cone girls were reading!


The skateboard

Tati: Well this one had a horrible scary name and I renamed it to Skateboard, because it looks like one.

You basically put your beef thermometer inside that hole then go stick it in someone, make those bullets vibrate and see what happens. According to the description, the curvy things are dolphin’s tails.

Mel: of COURSE it's Dolphin related. Only the “best” things are after all. I agree The skateboard is a much better name. This one looks like it’s going to hurt for the wrong reasons.


The Clit Bumper



Tati: This one is easy! You put your Dilly-ho-ho in the hole (just like the skateboard), then turn your clit bumper on, then go bump some clits.

You can also put it on your bike’s handlebar, looks totally appropriate for that.


The Willie Wrapper


This is the same as the Clit Bumper, but you can put your fun gun in the hole and your ping pongs in the other hole and go bump some clits.

Mel: This is getting too complicated. And if the guy is the one supposed to be taking the initiative and gearing up like Batman then why are they all pink?

Tati: Because it has to look pretty! Pretty in Pink HA!


The Accommodator


Tati: o.0

Mel: O.o

Tati: O.O

I am trying not to judge here, but, but.... Yes I’m tilting my head!

Mel: I'm left nearly speechless...and not in a good way. However, it’s a good thing it comes with a picture, I would have assumed it was supposed to go on my head and that was a chin strap, not the other way around.

Tati: I truly don't know what would be worse.

Club vibe


Tati: Mmmm the OhMiBod guys are our best friends! We already reviewed their “NaughtiBod” and the “Gspot.” on previous posts.

What you do is: you plug your awesome OhMiBod into your ipod/whateverpod you have and you vibrate with the music. But this one, this one is dangerous.

This one you put it inside your panties turn it on and go out. Then it picks up the sounds around you and you are fucked! Literally, by anything that emits a sound. On the website their suggestion is for you to go to a Club. Got it? Club – Vibe?

Mel: ... Does this mean this only works if the sounds are eardrum splitting? Only picks up bass? This just sounds like someone didn't think this through all the way. This does however explain that one woman on the metro the other day though.

IBuzz


This is the same as the OhMiBod, but without the GLAM. This is ugly and well it’s REALLY ugly.

Mel: Not only that but is this for two people? 1 person? Why all the cords (I hate cords) and weird attachments and what is up with the alien rabbit? And let’s be honest at this point you should just go Glam – because this does not look user friendly.


Tati: This one looks like the Chinese version of the IBuzz, maybe it’s to use with the whateverpods? I don’t care, it’s ugly!

Head Candy

Tati: This is hilarious. For those who never gave or received a blowjob (so they don’t know that teeth are not welcome), you have this thing that you bite then go give some unlucky guy/girl a blowjob. It tastes like candy, so here is how I think it will go:

You put this in your mouth and unless you are Steven Tyler or his daughter, this will limit considerably the useable size of your mouth. Then you will start drooling, because it tastes like candy. Add that to a guy/girl who thinks blowjobs with teeth are fun and yes my darling, GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that!

Write us telling how did it go for you: skuties@gmail.com

Mel: Do these dissolve like candy? Like are these mouth guard lollipops? Or just flavored plastic? Either way, this can NOT be a top seller. Must be a gag gift right?

Tati: Nope, DEAD SERIOUS!

Tongue Vibe



Tati: this one looks like you need to have total control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings. Otherwise I predict teeth marks and tragic choking followed by a bloody taco warmer and probably death.

Mel: And with a giant vibrating plastic thing in your mouth you KNOW that you will have perfect control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings for as long as you wear the thing. In fact the longer you use it the better, and that thing that holds it on? You don't even notice it’s there.

Tati: right?

Creepy dildos

The diving Nun


The bone dead



And of course the baby Jesus anal plug


Tati: These, of course, are only for normal people.

Mel: The fact these even exist...let alone someone is selling them and people are potentially using them. I mean sure Death you can see the symbolism and all there but the Baby Jesus? Really? I mean I want to see the demographics for who buys and uses this thing. No wait. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about ANYONE who uses any baby like that.

Improv dildos
(I love this world, dildo!)

Mel: It always makes me think of Bilbo Baggins -_-

Tati: haha Bilbo dildo!


Tati: Errrrr.....Well it’s better than sticking baby Jesus up your ass.

Mel: yeah suddenly after baby Jesus everything is PERFECTLY NORMAL.

And of course, the best, cutest and GLAM-EST of all:

Paul and Paulina!


Tati: HAHAHA how fucking cute is that? It would only be better if it made funny noises, like cute ones...Oh man!

Mel: Of course at that point you would be testing whether it is possible to orgasm while laughing. Do inch worms make noises?

Tati: hope so!

Mel: We couldn't leave Elvis out of the fun completely however, the closest thing we could find was this little number. Which is disturbing for a whole new set of reasons – at least it keeps them off your leg.


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Japanese Game shows!  

Apr 24, 2009

Tati: Before we start, I would like to dedicate this post to my cousin, who LOVES when we post only videos. That’s because he can’t control his Linux crap and flash stuff makes his life harder. Yeah I love you too cousin! (I also know he will pretend he didn’t read this post)



Mel: Ok so I needed a laugh, not because it was a particularly bad day or anything, but simply because who doesn't need a laugh?

So it doesn’t take much to figure out a good laugh, but I remembered Tati’s love of Japan and decided to look up some Japanese Game Shows. Who can resist the absolute nonsense filled with sex, pain & humiliation all for our viewing pleasure?

Tati: Oh my sweet Mel! Always knows when to fix things, even if you have no idea of what you are fixing. Today I had to take a tetanus shot, since it is now required to be able to travel to Pluto, and I will spend my weekend there.

I hate HATE, did I mention that I HATE needles? Well in me anyway. So I fainted about 10pm and am now respawning at 2am officially fucking all my sleep schedule, the one I had just fixed by waking up at 7am, just today.

So fuck yeah gimme some nonsense!

Mel:
Tati: Thanks.

Mel: There is so much to scratch your head over from the costumes & announcers to the themes & situations. One of the best takes on this was the “fake” British Japanese game show intended as a bar game. However, someone at ABC had the even more brilliant idea to make a reality show about surviving Japanese game shows.

I haven’t watched it yet, but supposedly its starting its second season, and I for one plan to find a way to watch it. In the meantime, I decided to see what a quick look at Game Shows from Japan could teach me. Here are 10 things I learned.

The world cup would be a lot more entertaining if the Japanese decided on the rules. However, it is best to not allow Waldo (Wally for you Brazilians) to decide on the uniforms.



Tati: Are they yelling Gojira Gojira Gojira? This is the best Idea in the world! I shall put up a Soccer-with-binocular team!

Mel: My job would be more entertaining if everyone had to wear bug costumes while completing seemingly mundane tasking while being threatened by a scary purple spider lady with bad breath.



Tati: Oh my, there is a whole series of the bug show!

Mel: If you want to lose weight combine eating and exercise for maximum results.



Tati: Question: Are they eating lego heads? Another thing, that black guy, I think he is a professional Japanese Game Show goer. I’ve seen him in like over 9000 of them.

Mel: The goals which seem the closest in life are sometimes hampered by the smallest of things. Perseverance will result in sweet results and bruised nostrils.



Tati: this one is BY FAR one of my favorites!

Mel: Never volunteer to stick your hands in a box. Never volunteer to stick your head in a box. Boys with strange hair are just as afraid of escaped lizards as Japanese schoolgirls.



Tati: OH! Hahahaha I love how that first girl cut her bangs just around her left eye. I love this one. These girls are so cute, I also have no idea what they are touching. Aside from the bald guy, that one is easy.

Mel: Pantyhose are not just for bank robbers and formal dinners.



Tati:


It means fuck

Mel: Humans do a better job than lobsters when attempting to stay out of hot water, even if there is a reward for going in it. Also – Japan is importing its bikinis from Brazil.


Tati: Before even watching it I can assure you that everyone should import bikinis from Brazil ‘cause these fucking things they have here looks like my grandma panties. Thank God I brought mine!



Tati: Ok, let me get this straight. He must stay in the hot water long enough to that thing that the girl is sitting shake off her top?

Mel: Yep!

Tati: … … … … I just peed myself…carry on.

Mel: Always wear underwear.



Tati: I’m speechless, my brain was just raped. I am also blind…

Mel: Libraries are not quiet places in Japan.



Tati: See! That black dude again!

Mel: Game shows are intended for men. Although I’m all for a pie fight.



Tati: What the hell is this thing for?



So our list couldn’t be complete without this one!



THE BEST JERRY, THE BEST!


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Clone Wars  

Apr 20, 2009

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Tati: I am always impressed how fast people are when they are cloning stuff. In music for example, everybody is doing one style of music, all there, minding their own business, the same apathy and boredom, all good. Then one day, some shitty band hits the radio and BAM we are all fucked, all you can hear is thousands of bands doing the same shitty music.

Like, where are they coming from? And how do they put up an album so fast? You know what I mean? I doubt they were all ready to pop just waiting for the first one to do it. As if they were ashamed of it and waiting for the first martyr or something.

Mel: For shame Tati, do you not know of the conspiracy of music?

Tati: I don’t care really, but this bugs me since I was a kid. I never stopped thinking about it. It happens everywhere. One company releases a product and suddenly all companies are releasing the same product in funny variations. HOW? Really, doesn’t it take time to develop a product? It’s crazy!

Mel: Okay, but yeah this topic is not about the music industry conspiracy and how it is all the master plan. This is about making money, the Producers way.



Tati: This also happens in the movie industry, A LOT. But some are smarter than others. Some just make the cover looks like a successful movie, or just the title, but still funny to me. Let’s see some Movie “geniuses”.

Legally Blondes:


Mel: This really is a movie. I kept staring at the image waiting for the photoshopped joke to hit me, and figured I was too far out of the loop and then thought Tati was playing with my mind, so I goggled it and cried.

Tati: Oh boy! This movie is about Elle Wood’s twin cousins coming from London to some fancy school in California. I could stop right here and it would be a disaster already, but of course I won’t. These two girls come directly from Disney Channel’s “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody”.

Note that I am not linking it to anything, it is because this is crappier than I can stand – and you know I can take a whole lot of crap – and I don’t even want to look for a website with this. I’ve already went too deep. But here is the best part.

Mel: I think this is a case of not letting a popular franchise die. Did Michael Eisner consult on this one? Oh he of Disney direct to video sequel fame? Also...did you know that Legally Blonde was made into a Broadway musical?

Tati: Jesus, NO!

When you see something like that, if you are a regular human being, you instantly block yourself from touching it. But then you see on the cover “Presented by Reese Withaspoon” and you think: Well she put her name on it, then it shouldn’t be so bad right? WRONG! I had no idea what “presented by” meant so I went out to educate myself.

Mel: I too had to check it out because I had a hard time finding her name on the credits – it’s in the "Seamore" section, I thought maybe “presented by” meant she invested money in it somewhere. Good thing she was too smart.

Tati: Check this out:

Presenter
AKA: Presents

A presenter is person (often famous or well respected) who introduces a movie or show on screen or via voice-over. Some films include a credit "Presented by", or "presents", which indicates the person is an executive producer as opposed to someone who appears in the film.

Translating: They gave her money and she recorded something like “And now, Legally Blondes! Enjoy." because I seriously doubt that she went to the screening.

Mel: I don’t know I’d go to the opening maybe – free food & free press. Although by the time I was as rich as Reese Witherspoon I would probably be happy to stay home in my jammies and wait for my free copy to arrive in the mail.

Teen Boxer:

This one is tricky. When you see the cover you think Karate Kid 4 (because it’s a girl and all), then you see the title: Teen Boxer and you think “Million Dollar Baby”, then you see “The shocking movie everyone is talking about” and you feel like an idiot, because you never heard anything about it. But everyone else did. So you better run to your favorite movie rental place (aka the internet) and “rent” it.

Mel: Although...did you see the “Next karate Kid” I don’t think I’d want to see another movie in that line. I prefer the originals.



Tati: I know there will be a remake, but I’m fine without it.

If you decide to go deeper into the details, you will see that a girl from Grey’s Anatomy is in the movie, so it REALLY must be good. And if you go to check the plot of the movie you will learn that her “real life brother” is in it too. Which explain why she has no boobs on the cover when she is karate-flying on the background.

Mel: Did you not notice her butt on the cover in WHITE? Clearly the guy was more of a butt man.

Tati: it’s her shorts, blind Mel!

See how they fuck you up? That’s good marketing! The movie is a piece of crap, but there is only so much marketing can do for you.

Mel: I’m taking notes!

Transmorphers:


Mel: Don’t you mean Transformers? Oh wait. No you don’t.

Tati: Well, with a title like that you don’t need to highlight anything else on your cover. You might even get some distracted minds “buying” it thinking it’s the Transformers movie.

If you ask me, I didn’t last 10 minutes on Transformers, that boy is dead ugly, I think that girls is kinda nasty and too skinny and the robots look awesome, but when I saw the ghetto robot I gave up on the movie.

Mel: I didn’t even go see it when it was FREE.

Tati: OH GOOOOOOOOD, FOR YOU!

Mel: No, NO FUCK NO!

Tati: This one is about alien robots invading Earth, but they are evil and forced everybody to live underground (like the Matrix).

According to the summary, "a small group of humans develop a plan to defeat the mechanical invaders in the ultimate battle between man and machine."

Mel: Sounds like it might be better than I, Robot.

Tati: If you look at the cover, you can see that their plan is to shoot at the robots’ dick. Might work, who knows?

Against the Dark:


Yo, Steven, Blade already DID IT!

He had a sword too, and he fought vampires and he knew martial arts, he had black leather pants too, but he was Wesley Snipes. You are NOT. Not to mention that his sword looks like a crowbar-sword.

Plus this cover reminds me of “A Scanner Darkly”

Mel: A Scanner Darkly is awesome but can only be understood if you read the book first, and I have a feeling to really get it you have to be on some heavy drugs, but just seeing the effects of drugs on Philip K. Dick`s brain is enough for me.

Elvis has 1st hand experience, and agrees.



The Day the Earth Stopped:

“Hundreds of massive intergalactic robots appear in all of the world’s major capitals with an ultimatum: Prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

This one could be a prequel of the “Transmorphers” or the prequel for “The day the Earth stood still”. First it stopped, then it stood still, then the transfomorphers made everybody go underground then they put everybody inside the Matrix! Dude, why am I not rich yet?

Mel: I’m not sure Tati. I ask myself that every day.

Tati: *sigh*

NYC: Tornado Terror:


"A meteorologist and her husband must prevent devastating tornadoes from destroying New York."

Inspired by true events, mmmm. I don’t watch the news, but I am sure somebody would have commented around me if NY had been through a tornado terror.

Maybe he thought “Cloverfield” was real? Like he thought tornados did it? I love how the top of all buildings are burning. One would have thought that the wind on the terror tornado would suck off the fire. And it’s super clever of them to send helicopters to fight the tornados!

Two thumbs up to whoever made this movie.

Mel: I was too distracted by the water flooding and the statue of liberty losing her arms. Based on true events “The day a meteorologist and her husband had to tell everyone on TV & the radio (which was their job) that tornados MIGHT be coming towards New York”. By the way, how do 2 people destroy tornados? And if the cover is any hint they didn’t do a good job now did they?

Tati: Nope, not them or the director.

Vipers:


Mark my words: I will watch this movie! Even if you ignore that this is a better version of “Anaconda”, because vipers are cooler and Tara is hotter than J-Lo, there is also this amazing plot:

“Set of vipers has been taken by the scientists, and they’ve mutated them to make a cure for cancer, Then their experiment goes awry, and all these vipers escape into the woods, and they’re not only biting people, they’re actually killing people, in a little town”

Mel: The people also drive Viper cars. You know, SUV Vipers.

Tati: That would be a kick ass movie: SUV Vipers curing cancer!

How do you mutate a snake to cure cancer? Do you teach it how to cure cancer? Another observation, last time I checked all snakes bite to eat, so they all kill their preys. Maybe Vipers only bite people...I need more knowledge in my life.

Mel: I find internet forums to be highly educational full of opinions and you know how since it’s on the internet its 100% true always.


Jack Says:


Oh God... Not happy with “Spirit”, they had to do “Jack Says”. But fear not, this one is so low budget that the groundbreaking black & white with color effects don’t go past the cover. I was curious to see how they would do it with no money, so I watched 3 minutes of it. It’s just black & white then it turns into color.

I have no idea what this movie is about, but I’ll bet a lot of people watched it thinking it was Spirit 2.

Mel: ...

Universal Remote:



Ok, this one got me confused. I found two VERY different covers pointing to what could be two different movies. I could only find info on the CHARLY Murphy version (note the ginormous boobs behind him).

See, good marketing got even me, the queen of marketing. I went to IMDB searching for Eddy Murphy, then I looked closer at the cover and saw it was CHARLY Murphy. Not that it would have shock me if he was in this movie, the last good movie he did was “Coming to America”.

The other one I don’t know what to say. It looks like Christian Bale swallowing a remote control. I didn’t check, feel free to do it. I’m satisfied with Bale eating a golden remote control

Mel: Wasn’t there the one like Click, and like...this one just confuses me although Christian Bale swallowing a remote control might be funny. I checked to try to understand all this, but I still don't get it.

Death Racers:


GUYS!!!!! Somebody put Insane Clown Posse in a movie. And look in what movie! HAHAHAHA oh Lord, I’m going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee. I can’t breathe Mel, HELP!

Mel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – well it’s appropriate that you die with this one as it IS DEATH RACE. Although, nothing will ever be as good as Death Race 2000. Ever. Not even the Insane Clown Posse will be able to top it, but they can try.

Tati: No they can't.They can't try anything ever, if it's in public.

For the ones who happily, didn’t know what the heck is Insane Clown Posse, I’ll ruin your life for you: They are two fat white guys, dressed as clowns and they rap. Yep, fat-white-clown rappers!

In a movie!

Look:

Mel: Oh why just LOOK when you can truly SEE?



Tati: HAHAHAHAHA holy shit guys! I was going to get all nerdy about “Death Race 2000” and compare them to the “Death Race 3000” and tell you that this one actually has the same plot as the original, but then I saw “Insane Clown Posse” on the cover and HAHAHAHAHA HOLY FUCKING SHIT! (I hate you for this video Mel)

Ok, next...

I’ll end this post with some other movie clones that won’t really need explanation so enjoy!

Son of RamboW:

Awww they even put a little Col. Trautman and its British!

The Net 2.0:

Remember The Net?

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls:

Errrrrr....LOL?

Plan Bee:


The sting is in the tale!

Os Carrinhos:



Mel: I would like to take this moment to share with you all the YOUTUBE channel of this delightful company and their wonderful movies. Robozinhos is a version of Robots + Wall e.The English versions are a treat let me tell you.

Tati: Are there English versions of this?

Ratatoing:


Mel: Don't forget to visit their official website!

Pierrot Le Poisson Clown:




Shark Bait:


The Little Panda fighter:


Ok, ok, I’ll stop!

By the way, did you see how I made you read our post by calling to your Star Wars genes? See? That’s what you get for being a Star Wars fan. Serves you right!

Mel: oooooohhhhhh Tati good one. Wait, seriously, why aren’t you rich yet?

Tati: meh, go figure...


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