Brothers from different fathers  

Mar 30, 2009


Mel: ...or sisters from different mothers...


Tati: So you guys have been enjoying our crazy lists huh? Lots and lots of emails asking us to do more and more! Well, you know me. I’m a people pleaser. Mel also enjoys the art of pleasing humans, so here we go. Another list!

Mel: Although I’m best known for providing oral pleasure to both male and female humans at the same time even. Why just this weekend I made 5 Macaroni and Cheese & Glazed Doughnuts.

Tati: *sigh* Now I'm hungry...

Today we give you: people who never met their brothers and sisters because the milkman changed routes.

Mel: In my neighborhood it was the UPS man. For those unfamiliar with the Milkman Theory I suggest you check out The Amorous Milkman



Tati: Let’s begin with our multi-tasker: Bon Jovi. So far we've proved he is a Psycho-Killer and that he is turning into an old lesbian.

Now we will tell him -of course he reads the blog – that his dad was a Belgian milkman who wondered the States for a little while. If you ask me, I’ll tell you his dad was pretty hot, but for safety reasons, let’s stare at the family when they were still young and famous.

Mel: Well if we have a list, Bon Jovi has to be on it somewhere. I can picture his dad now. In some pub with a cold beer in his hand while people come up and say “Hey you look a bit like Bon Jovi!” While the drunk guy at the end of the bar slurs “No Van Dame it”



Tati: Brad’s mom also enjoyed some milk from Porto Rico. Little did she know that Hollywood would put an end to her lies!

Mel: You figure that’s why Angelina likes all her multi-cultural children? Because Brad is half Porto Rican? Or is she just another Mia Farrow – with her 15 kids? Either way I think this particular revelation disturbed me the most.



Tati: Next from our international Milkmen, we have the Irish Milkman who liked italo-american babes from Manhattan. Some people think Al Pacino looks like Robert Deniro, but Gabriel Byrne is his true brother!

Mel: OMG I have officially shat bricks. No really these two are twins separated at birth forget the whole international milk donations.


Tati: Well, this is not a case of lost Milkman. Sebastian Bach and Fernanda Lima are actually the same person. Whenever he is not on tour he goes back to Brazil to work as a model.

Mel: And I thought all the good transvestites were from Thailand or somewhere around there. Although, come to think of it...

Tati: Aww Sebastian is not a tranny. He is just natural I guess haha...



Tati: Oh man, this one is my favorite! Given the age difference I would say that Mr. Bean’s mom met Ritchie’s dad on a Milkmen conference in Pennsylvania in 1969.

Mel: Apparently both Bean & Ritchie`s dad used the “get her drunk enough” method of conception.



Tati: Here is another mistake people make. People think Bono is related to Robin Williams. But no, Bono is the older brother of Dunga, one of the worst Brazilian’s Soccer coaches in all Soccer history.

Mel: Actually...I read this book called The Boys from Brazil about Nazi doctors & Human Clones. I`m starting to think it is no coincidence there are so many Brazilians on this list. Also with a name like “Dung-a” what did you expect? ...Not that Bono is any less retarded of a name, but at least it isn’t “Crapo”.



Tati: The Hollaback girls! This was a busy Milkman. But he did a good job. I can even see how it happened. After Brittany and Gwen were born, Milkman went away to travel around the world. He met Leighton’s mom in Jamaica.

“Meester's parents, Connie and Doug, were involved in a drug ring that smuggled marijuana from Jamaica to the United States. Both were arrested for their involvement in the ring, and Connie was released on bail. While out, Connie became pregnant, and once she was convicted, she spent her pregnancy in a Texas state prison.” – That’s according to Wikipedia.

Mel: And if you read it on Wikipedia you know that it’s the truth. OMG. NO really, it really does say that.

Tati: Of course it does. Even if I wanted, I would not be able to make something like this up.



Tati: The reason you see 2 Iggys here is because it needed to be done. The picture in the middle looks like Anthony Kiedis a few years ago, proving my point even more. The Milkman who did this in 20 years intervals, came from Lithuania (Well not really but his parents did, so there!)

Mel: Okay! This Milkman who donated his milk was obviously physically attractive and hell maybe was even attractive period, but either he had the hots for retarded girls or he himself was mentally impaired. Proof that screwing may be indicative of someone attempting to tighten theirs or their selected partners back into place.



Tati: To me, this one works like a time line. I think in 5 more years Josh Todd will look like Denis Leary and in like 15 years or so he will look like his older brother Willem Dafoe. Every time I see Buckcherry live I imagine it’s Willen Dafoe singing. Makes me smile!

Mel: Which is your vehicle of time travel preference? The Delorian from Back to the Future, The telephone booth from Bill & Ted`s Excellent Adventure – or the simple Time Warp? Whatever you do remember to bring your own weapons because I’ve only ever done this once.

Tati: I prefer the Delorian, but Keanu is hotter, so I might trade hot for comfy... To be honest, I'd hit Josh Todd at any age, now that I've seen his future.



Tati: I don’t believe that they are different people. Winona needed a new career so she started again with a new name. She was smart pretending she came from London. But I guarantee there is no Milkman involved in this case.

Mel: You forgot that she looks so much like Natalie Portman she was cast as Padmés double. And I only now realized that it wasn’t all magic green screens & CGI. However, this whole Winona/Keira thing makes sense to me. How else is a girl supposed to sit on Johnny Depp’s & Orlando Bloom’s laps at the same time, while becoming one of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses.


Tati: Well duh! Why do you think Carmen Electra married Dave? This Milkman also works in 20 years intervals. That is a common practice amongst the Milkmen so there will be no suspicions. It works most of the time, but I am too smart for them. But I’m not judging you know? Just pointing that out...

Mel: 20 year difference? You know...it could be that instead of 20 year intervals Dave Navarro’s mom was a really big Prince fan.

Tati: Mel! Stop disturbing my logic!



Tati: Alright! This is another busy Milkman. He came from Brazil, then he went to the Uk and made Mrs. Idol one happy mom. Then to the US and made Mrs. Zombie Happy, then went back to Brazil to create Supla! AUUUUU PAPITO!

Mel: Okay, now there is no doubt about the fact that these dear boys had a cocky bad mouthed father who had an attitude (and maybe other things) bigger than he knew what to do with because seriously have you seen Supla’s mom? – Although if you look at his dad it proves the Milkman theory.

Tati: Well Supla's mom does know about sex. And maybe she just didn't age well *NOT*




Tati: This is the proof that the former Milkman was from Brazil. You see, Pedro de Lara was the older brother. He was born in Brazil, so yeah, I am right again.

Are you lost? Ok I’ll explain. Rob Zombie is Spider’s brother, that gives us 4 brothers! Pedro de Lara, Rob Zombie, Spider One, Billy Idol and Supla! WOW B-B-B-Busy!

Mel: Definitely bigger than he knew what to do with. Or rather didn’t know better than what to do with...wait Rob Zombie and Spider One can you imagine what their childhoods were like sitting there at the breakfast table? Sounds like a new sitcom to me!

Tati: Can you imagine the whole family together????



Tati: I’m not sure that this was the work of a Milkman. I think Zooey just didn’t want to mix her singing career with her acting career. It’s fine Zooey. I’ll keep your secret.

Mel: Great now I have “I kissed a girl” stuck in my head. There are worse things though. Although what is one to do if you kiss a girl and kinda like it? Hmmm Tati?

Tati: Well Mel, I guess that if you kinda like it, you kinda kiss her again!



Tati: HA! Last but not least: Seu Madruga A.K.A. Ramon Valdez and Dr. House! Awesome Milkman from Mexico who moved to the UK 30 years later. You are my hero Mexican Milkman!

Mel: In this case I prefer to believe it was the work of a time traveling milkman offering his own special brand of milk to sprinkle over the oat fields because otherwise I have to believe Seu Madruga is House's father. Also House is Gordon Freeman.

HA!


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This post is bananas!  

Mar 27, 2009


Mel: Ok – Tati says that I have been punished enough...for now. After hours of digital organization & email cleaning, and litterbox sifting, and client whipping, I have gone bananas. Therefore this post is a list of 15 non-sexual banana related things you can do.

Tati: NON- sexual???? Oh man! I’ll pervert all your choices, just because I can!

Mel: Eat them Raw
I suggest peeling them first however.

Tati: THAT is the most sexual picture of all times! It’s so sexual it’s getting me horny. Look at this boy’s face, he is lo-lo-loving it!

Mel: Peel Bananas
For those that cannot get their monkey paws on real live bananas, never fear the electronic banana peeler is here!

Tati: Does it vibrate? ‘Cause it looks like it should!

Mel: Cook with Bananas
There are a variety of widely accepted “Common” recipes that use bananas as a main ingredient. One of my favorites is Banana Walnut bread, and one should never forget the King’s famous Fried Peanut butter and Banana Sandwich.

Tati: You see Mel, “Absolutely no exceptions”

My nerd friends know it well right? (don’t worry I’m proud of it too *wink* )

Mel: However we should not be limited by the mundane and instead should expand our world by trying: Banana Ketchup or by drinking Banana Beer.


Tati: Banana beer reminds me of banana "cachaça". For those who are not hot Brazilians, I’m sorry for you guys, but my point is: "cachaça" is like tequila, but it’s made out of sugar cane and makes you barf faster. There are many types of "cachaça" and the only one that didn’t make me puke was the one made out of banana.

Mel: Do not forget to include necessary Banana Cooking Utensils such as the Banana Pepper Shaker

Tati: CUTE! TOO DAMN CUTE!

Mel: Banana Slicer

Tati: WOW that’s awesome! I have the apple/any rounded shape fruit slicer, but this one is just brilliant. I’m so buying it. (YES I’m lazy)

Mel: Banana Holder

or alternatively, the Banana Guard


Tati: Why would anyone need something like that? Oh! Ohhhhh, wait a minute. Of course! People need those because they don’t have one of these:

HA!

Mel: You can dress like a Banana:


Tati: Yes sure. As if you could go out dressed as a banana and not get some action! Bananas are hot! Every girl has a banana fetish, if you know what I mean!


Mel: Or you can wear the Bananas – while the traditional method of banana wear is typically on the head ala Carmen Miranda fruit salad hat, this should not limit the creative person who finds that it is not enough to simply dress like a banana but they must instead actually use the bananas themselves as clothing.

Tati: C’mon! Typically on the head??? Really??? I am not going to post a pic of where the Banana “typically” goes, because this is a respectable blog, but I am sure all our “sick-as-fuck” readers already have that pic engraved on their “sick-as-fuck” minds.

Mel: Aheeem! As I was saying…

Tati: OH-MY-GOD! I just peed myself! Mel I’m so proud of you! I’m speechless. All I can say is: crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, I love you so much!

Mel: Cure Warts with a Banana – well actually the peel but you can cure warts by rubbing the inside of a banana peel on them every night. Should work in 3-14 days depending on the severity of the wart. Supposedly it works because there is a lot of potassium in the peel.

Tati: you know where else you can rub a banana peel?

Damn you guys, you are so filthy. What did you expect?

Mel: You can draw on them:

Tati: Or “eat” them

YUM!

Mel: You can smell like one: Banana Essence can be purchased online. Here, a variety of studies that’s being conducted about the smell of sex/love/attraction and at least a few of them mention bananas. There of course is also mention of attracting bees and the fact mosquitoes like you more after you’ve eaten bananas, but just consider those cross species gift with purchase.

You can also smoke them – The government swears that smoking banana peels is only a placebo effect, but then again maybe that’s just what they WANT us to think. Right?

Tati: Hahaha you chickened out on posting the link? Fear no more little ones! I’ll do it: Here it is. Just a warning: If you are stupid enough to do it, don’t come crying to us telling we made you do it, because WE DIDN’T!

So if you do it, make sure you die of it, because you won’t enjoy my bad side when you are high on bananas.

Mel: Banana Jokes!


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Who's there?
Orange.
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Tati: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! OCD banana joke!!! I can’t say “I love you Mel” enough times…

Mel: Banana home decor:


Watch Banana Movies:

"Bananas". I’m not a huge fan of Woody Allen, although I tend to like his earlier movies more than later ones.

I can appreciate them for what they are but I end up getting pissed that he is the stuttering, bumbling, idiot that ends up with the hot chick. And it reminds me too much that it’s like his life and the deal with his ex-wife and…ggrrrr….gross.

Tati: First of all: Woody Allen SUCKS!!! Wait, there’s nothing else. That’s it. Please carry on…

Mel: I prefer watching this:

Banana phone!

I seriously want one and a holster. I plan to put in an order in the near future. All interested parties should let me know, and we can have a giant Banana phone party when the box arrives. Maybe I’ll order two.

Tati: You can order one banana phone and one “hide the banana”. That will be a party Foh sure!
+ free furry cuffs!

Mel:

You can sleep ON or WITH one:

Sing Songs about Bananas:



This video was more entertaining than the Madonna concert ones. So…I’m going bananas. It’s official now.

PS – Tati can we time share Travis? I’ll trade you Elvis for awhile who just chews on my toes and demands to use me as a mattress; you can poke him while I chew on Travis.

Tati: WAS THAT SO HARD???? All you needed to do was ask! You silly girl. Yes, we can share Travis. Elvis is easier to manage anyway and I miss squishing that fat excuse for a cat!

I will end this post with a picture that I found under “banana sex” on Google images (I’m not even kidding)


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